Applying The Secret to gay men’s lives

By Ken Howard

The recent — and perhaps transient — popularity of The Secret, the almost “underground” self-help DVD that has become the latest rage of Oprah and Ellen, has been the topic of water - cooler conversations all over the country and certainly in therapist’s offices like mine. The full-length “inspirational documentary” is a collection of self-help messages that encourages its enthusiasts to use the Law of Attraction, by focusing and concentrating on happy accomplishments and achievements, to attain all that they desire. While some deride The Secret as yet another superficial pop-psychology fad, these ideas do have a legitimate application and usefulness when they are taken in the context of considering and appreciating how powerfully our thoughts can affect our feelings and behavior, which is the cornerstone of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

For gay men, having a robust mental health and high quality of life could mean incorporating some of The Secret’s tenets. Because we grow up with anti-gay/heterosexist messages from birth of “not being good enough,” our adult minds need to examine these negative messages with critical thinking when we grow up in order to challenge these notions, and then realize they are merely the result of bigotry and ignorance of human sexuality. To make The Secret work for you, or similar models that have been developed by inspirational authors in the past—including New Age author Louise Hay, legendary cognitive-behavioral therapist Aaron Beck, M.D., Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield and many other inspirational “gurus”— you must start by taking notice of how powerful your thoughts are on your daily experiences. If you are often criticizing yourself, saying in frustration, “Oh, I’m such a dork,” your unconscious mind subtly listens to that and believes it, causing you to do more of the same self-sabotaging behavior. If you substitute another thought, perhaps not, “I’m such a dork,” but perhaps, “I made a mistake. Next time I’ll do it better and I’ll enjoy my success then,” you send a powerful message to your unconscious mind, the “genie within,” who is eager to comply to make your wish its command. As the example in the DVD illustrates in its vignette about the gay man, carrying strong, assertive, perhaps even defiant notions and holding pride in being gay goes a long way in helping gay men achieve their potential by fighting injustice and recognizing their unique worth.

While The Secret discusses quantum physics and the power of our thoughts within and upon the universe, and while these theories could be correct and powerful, therapists work by helping people make these concepts more specific by encouraging clients to identify weekly goals and then use their time in therapy to evaluate how they achieved them, or how to overcome the obstacles to achieving them. Many conditions, including depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and substance abuse, contain a huge component that involves understanding our feelings and behaviors, and the thoughts (“cognitions”) that immediately precede them. This idea has social implications, as well. If you go out to a bar and think that no one wants to talk to you, chances are no one will. If you think that you can make someone else feel good by being friendly and outgoing to them, perhaps rescuing them from a night of intimidation and isolation, they will likely experience you as kind and interesting and be more than ready to talk. These two concepts—being aware of the thoughts you carry around, and then using thought substitution to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones, you just might find consistently improved outcomes in the way you feel and the way you experience others. Now, that’s a Secret worth telling!

Ken Howard, LCSW, (www.kenhowardlcsw.com) is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach in West Hollywood specializing in helping gay men bridge the gap between how things are and how they’d like them to be. His latest workshop for gay male couples, “No More Cheating: How to Have an Open Relationship Without Hurt Feelings,” will be offered April 28, 2-5 p.m. in West Hollywood. Information and registration is available at (310) 726-4357.

Five Tips for Gay Men to Apply The Secret in Daily Life

1. Decide what you really want for yourself now. Is it to lose weight? Get a new job? Buy a new car? Resolve a long-standing conflict? Complete a project in your community? Start your day by taking five minutes in the morning to sit quietly with your eyes closed and visualize yourself doing that very thing—in great detail—using all your senses. Then, go about your day by focusing on being grateful for all the joyful things in your day. Look around and see how many things you can count that you are grateful for and watch how they grow over time by doing this consistently.

2. Use positive affirmations and repeat them throughout your day. Start with the present tense, “I am.” Then, fill in the blank with an adverb, an action, a quantification and a specific deadline: “I am joyfully celebrating doing 30 minutes of cardio exercise every other day, and losing 15 pounds by noon on Sunday, April 8, 2007” (Just in time for White Party Tea Dance!). Put these on your PDA, a 3-by-5 card or as a screen-saver on your laptop.

3. Be a part of the change you want to see for our community. Use the affirmation, “I am proudly defiant of any anti-gay messages in the media, and attract only loving, accepting and respectful people in my life.”

4. Let go of the social pressure to treat others with the “attitude” that reflects social insecurity in our community. Trust in the knowledge that all the people you interact with—even saying hello to that shy guy at the bar checking you out—can only result in a positive experience for all.

5. Visualize your perfect health—the way you move, feel, look and act—with a body that responds with pain-free, strong and vibrant energy for all you need to do today.