“Burp.” I just finished my Thanksgiving Tofurky and now it’s time to let everyone know what I want for Christmas! Some people are really good at dropping hints, but I like to come right out and tell folks exactly what I want.

I WANT ... People to stop leaving this message on my voice mail: “Hey Jackie, it’s so-and-so! I have a question for you. Please call me back!” Now I may have written about this problem before, but it obviously needs to be repeated because I am still getting these annoying, passive-aggressive messages. I have a great idea. How about we make the most of technology and actually ask the frickin’ question! Yes, even if I am not home or cannot come to my phone, then I will call you back and answer your frickin’ question! Yes, even if you are not home or cannot come to your phone. Is this too much to ask? I don’t think so.

I WANT … Ellen DeGeneres to stop. Everything—the dancing, the crying and especially the disrespecting of her writing staff by doing her show while they’re on strike. Ellen, I know that when you go mainstream, you have to water down your personality and serve up happy-go-lucky, non-threatening, sexless Lesbian Lite to America’s housewives. Rosie O’Donnell did it and Oprah—well, as we all know Oprah is not gay, so she cannot and should not be included in this discussion. I can’t wait until Ellen’s show is off the air in a few years and she can become a big ol’ diesel dyke who has so much money that she doesn’t give a flying frick what anyone thinks. She’ll just sit around in her flannel shirt and blog about crazy conspiracy theories while guzzling domestic beer and scratching her nuts.

I WANT … The Los Angeles City Council to stop trying to outlaw the “N word.” As a caucasian lady, I admit that I can never fully comprehend the level of pain and humiliation this word can cause to black people. But making the use of a word illegal is not the answer. You cannot make a word illegal. And even if you could, it would not change the way certain people feel, it would just better hide their hideous hatred. I don't know about you, but I prefer my prejudice and closemindedness right out in the open. Then I, at least, know who the enemy is. The closest the government has ever gotten to outlawing a word is when they said one couldn’t yell the word “Fire!” in a crowded theater. The word “fire” is not illegal, mind you, but yelling it in a theater is. So, my suggestion is this: Make it illegal to yell the “N word” in the AMC Magic Johnson Crenshaw 15. OK, I’m kidding, but the truth is that you can’t mandate people’s feelings or beliefs, no matter how ignorant or effed-up they are. We, as a nation, have to stop simply dealing with the mere symptoms of certain problems and actually determine, and then deal with, the cause.

I WANT ... People to stop asking me to be in their photo shoots and/or documentary shorts. No, I am not going to paint my face for two hours and become the character I’ve been doing for 18 years just so you can raise a camera—still or video—and call it your “art.” Don’t get me wrong: I adore having my picture taken, and I love being in videos and other various projects, but taking my picture is like taking a snapshot of a mural and then proudly saying, “I did this!” I am not talking to my professional, amazing photographer friends here. I am talking to the students and/or strangers out there. And while we’re on the subject—no, I do not want to be interviewed for your dumb-ass term paper!

Merry Christmas. Please pray to whatever you believe in that I get what I want. And if what you want is to see my annual holiday show, then please join me at Jackie Beat in Give ‘til it Hurts! at the Cavern Club Celebrity Theater, Dec 7-9, at 8 and 10 p.m. For tickets, go to www.acteva.com/go/jackiebeat.

illustration by www.glenhanson.com