More and more gay men are venturing into parenthood, but what happens when you don’t fit in with your club-hopping gay friends anymore? The Pop Luck Club can help.

by Larry Buhl

In 1998, nearly a dozen gay men met in West Hollywood to discuss how to do what many would have thought incomprehensible — become fathers. Ten years later, the brainchild of that meeting, the Pop Luck Club, has grown to become one of the largest gay fathers organizations in the world, with more than 200 families spread throughout L.A. and Orange counties, in what is becoming an increasing common phenomenon in the gay community.

PLC was founded by Dr. Paul Oberon, a prominent psychiatrist who wanted to create a sense of community for children of gay parents to interact with other gay-led families, and for fathers (and prospective fathers) to discuss the unique difficulties of gay parenting.

“In the past, when you came out, parents said, ‘Well, I’m not going to have any grandkids from this one,’ says Larry Riesenbach, the group’s webmaster and one of its original members. Riesenbach and his partner, Tim, are raising a 5-year-old son named Aaron, who was born to a surrogate mother. “But now more aware parents don’t assume that.”

The group picks up where agencies leave off, providing information on unique aspects of gay parenting: from surname issues and legal matters to dealing with a school’s PTA. PLC member Mark Brown, who raises his adoptive daughter Ella with his partner, Bob, emphasizes that the group “helps kids of gay dads to see their families as normal, and that families come in all colors and types. Parents benefit by having a sounding board and support when we face difficulties.”

Despite its male moniker, the Pop Luck Club—overwhelmingly male—also welcomes women who may need extra support. Among the members, 72 percent are partnered, 28 percent single and 60 percent already have children while 40 percent are in the process of adoption or surrogacy.

Monthly gatherings include potluck picnics with entertainment and activities for kids. The PLC e-mail group contains recommendations on schools, lawyers, surnames and other issues. The group’s semi-annual “pop swap” gives dads a chance to recycle clothes and toys that their kids have outgrown. And the group includes a mentor program that pairs up newbie or wannabe dads with others who have already been through the process of adoption, surrogacy or co-parenting.

“In some ways, the group has been my partner,” explains Dennis Sullivan, a single dad of 3-year-old Isaiah. “I learned a lot of things in the process when I was adopting and the frustrating times when I thought [the adoption] wasn’t going to happen at all.”

“The Pop Luck Club has made me feel normal in a venture that is still unusual for gay men,” says Richard Valenza, who is raising Melody, 6, and Joseph, 7. The group was especially helpful when it was time for Valenza and his new partner, Jared, to explain to the kids that even though their family was “different,” it was just as good as “typical” families.

Gay parenting groups now exist in 35 states, and the Pop Luck Club is one of six parenting groups in Southern California alone. Loosely affiliated with PLC, Maybe Baby focuses on educating men and women who are thinking about starting the process of adoption or surrogacy and is a starting point for gays and lesbians who want to be parents, explains facilitator Dana Moorhead. Parents further benefit from events like Family Day in the Park, the Baby Bonanza weekly play and other programs offered through the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's Family Services Department, as well as PLC.

The groups also offer a sense of solidarity for gay and lesbian parents. Without a little help from friends, members say, the parenthood journey can be mystifying and even lonely.

“A lot of internal homophobia comes up when you decide to be a dad,” Sullivan shares. “On top of the usual parent issues, you wonder, ‘Do I even deserve to be a dad?’”

When he became a father, Andrew Rakos went from “the A-list to no list,” and credits PLC friends with guiding him through the difficult process of raising his son, Seth, alone. “I was popular, in my 30s, had a business and [went] to clubs and fundraisers,” says Rakos. “Then, suddenly, I was talking about my son’s first words and his poopy diapers. My friends couldn’t handle it.”

Some PLC members knew they were “dad material” even before they learned they were gay. “I’ve now crossed a line,” Valenza says. “I have gay friends, but now I have more in common with parents, even straight parents, than with gay men who aren’t dads.”

For more information on the Pop Luck Club, including the specifics on meetings, go to www.popluckclub.org.