To Be A Lesbian To-Do List:

by Shelly Leachman

1. Feel different from other girls.

2. Or don't feel different, per se, but definitely have inexplicable and confusing, overly affectionate feelings for a female classmate, fellow Girl Scout, camp counselor or all of the above.

3. When every other girl at your high school is getting drunk and hooking up with guys on weekends, stick strictly with the former activity, avoiding intimate interactions with boys as best as you can, even if it means drinking inordinate amounts of Keystone Light and/or wine coolers, so as to pass out before threatened with a make-out.

4. Or do hook up with guys just as often, if not more frequently than the other girls, whether you actually sort of want to or for whatever reason feel like you have to, but either way never really enjoy it the way everyone else appears or purports to.

5. Continue steps 1-4 throughout your college years, except maybe adding a few drugs and a gradually emerging awareness of exactly why it is you've been repeating said steps for so long.

6. Or figure it out very early on—lucky you—and devote the social portions of your college years to a Steps 3-4 hybrid, wherein you still drink a ton and avoid romantic run-ins with men, but also hook up with as many girls as will have you and, in all likelihood, largely wish you were not so compelled.

7. Endure the ever-more frequent, “I'm just teasing you!” comments, including, but not limited to, “Shelly and Holly sittin' in a tree” and “I think you, like, love her,” from your sophomore-year roommate, who thinks it's weird you spend so much time with that girl from your philosophy class.

8. Sometime in your early 20s, come out to your parents, much to their dismay/displeasure/confusion/consternation—or, if you're one of those rare and incredibly fortunate people, to their instant approval and OKness, and possibly even their what-took-you-so-long-ness—and begin an at least somewhat more self-accepting chapter of life.

9. Move somewhere more gay, like San Francisco or Silver Lake or Long Beach, unless you already live in such a place, in which case just cut off all your hair, buy some clunky boots and possibly a chain wallet.

10. Start hitting every ladies night at every gay club in town.

11. Sleep with your friends.

12. Become girlfriends with at least one of your friends.

13. Break up with your friend-turned-girlfriend and start sleeping with her prior ex-girlfriend.

14. Become girlfriends with your friend-gone-ex-girlfriend's prior ex-girlfriend.

15. Break up with everyone, but ultimately become BFFs with all.

16. At some stage, at last decide that the above behavior is dysfunctional, drama-inducing and borderline disgusting, and thereby resolve to only date outside the circle.

17. Realize within two, or even, sadly, just one supposedly outside-the-circle date, that when it comes to lesbians, there is no such thing as outside the circle because almost everyone you meet seems to be no more than three degrees from someone you've already slept with.

18. Wish, however briefly, that you were straight.

19. Despite all of the above, and because you've come through it all to have amazing friends and true love and laughter and health and, when compared to most of the people in the world, great success, be incredibly happy with who and where you are in this crazy life.

Send your most memorable “This would only happen to a lesbian” story to TheBroadcastLA@gmail.com.