Idol Thoughts

by Shelly Leachman

Here we go again. The campaigning, the lobbying for votes. The mudslinging and whispers of tawdry days of yore. The pundits proselytizing ad nauseum about who should win and who will win.

The screeching—good lord, the screeching.

It’s the race to anoint a new ruler, of sorts, for our fair land.

That’s right, y’all: It’s American Idol.

And along with predictable zingers from Simon (God love his ghastly self in all his T-shirted and hideous, unfortunate hairdo’d glory); long-ago played-out, yet still over-used and forever-annoying “That was da bomb, dawg” declarations from Randy; and, frankly, not-nearly-nutty-enough-for-our-tastes-because-our-tastes-liked-her-better-as-an-alleged-pill-popper outbursts from Paula, Season 7 has delivered unto us news of a fledgling trend, and a decidedly alarming one at that: Boys who look like lesbians.

Slender SoCal native Danny Noriega? He’s Tegan and Sara, plus L Word’s Shane, circa Season 1, with a pinch of Honey Labrador, except with altogether more hair-flipping, finger-raising and “Oh no you didn’t” attituding than any of the aforementioned.

And spiky-haired Texan, and former finalist on P. Diddy’s Making the Band, Jason Yeager? He’s got the cherubin cheeks and build of k.d. lang, the smile of a young Paula Poundstone and, with that frosted bit of bang shooting from his hairline, something reminiscent of your college softball coach.

The already-ousted, diminutive and darling Garrett Haley, bless his heart, looks like the younger, smaller twin sister of another Garrett we used to know—none other than Leif Garrett, of ’70s pop-star fame—before he got all alcohol-induced beefy on us.

And then, of course, there’s Colton Berry. Have you heard about this already?

Prior to his first performance, the Virginia high schooler (also among the first quartet of contests axed from the final 24) not only copped to looking like Ellen DeGeneres, he said several people have told him over the years that he resembles the lesbian comedienne.

Interesting pronouncement for a guy to make on national TV, but it could pay off. My prediction? Coming soon to a TV near you: Colton Berry on Ellen. Well played, young man, well played. But I digress.

Now, if I had to wager, in the most politically correct, non-accusatory, accepting-of-all and if-you-don't-want-to-say-it’s-OK kind of way, I’d put money on two of these four gents (Noriega and Berry, if you must know) being gay, but I don’t know that that really matters or would help clarify this in any way whatsoever.

This is a whole new gender genre, if you ask me, altogether different from dags (slang for lesbian, i.e., “dicks are gross”) who look like dudes, and not so much akin to girlie guys either.

Uncharacteristic of me, I must confess to being flummoxed and unable, just yet, to determine what this all might mean. Really, what to make of a gay guy that evokes not boy, but boi? Of a man you might be attracted to, were he only a woman?

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