Dearest Homosexual Readers,

Well, it's that time of year again! Time to celebrate the fact that you prefer to have sex with members of your own gender! That's right, it's Gay Pride. Woo-hoo! So remove your shirt, throw on some Freedom Rings and do a Fleet enema Ôcause we're really gonna' go deep as I celebrate your kooky, crazy, oh-so-trendy alternative lifestyle. And just to make you feel more comfortable, I thought I would write this column with a pronounced lisp! (This is achieved by simply putting an extra hissy annoying effeminate hard S wherever one already appears and ending every sentence with an exciting exclamation point.) So hang onto your overpriced sunglasses, Ôcause here we go gurls...

G iss for Gorgeouss Guyss! Let'ss face it, gay men are better looking than sstraight dudess! Why!? Becausse they put sso much into their lookss! It'ss called "mansscaping" and it can turn any big ol' hairy man into a sslick and hairless creature that ressembless a crosss between an Ausstrian ice dancer and a sspidery sspace alien! The look iss eassy to get, jusst pluck your eyebrowss into Chola-like ssubmisssion, wax your undernourished body, tan until you're the color of a Cheez-It cracker and sslather your lipss with a quarter cup of fruit-flavored glosss! Now climb into ssome fashionss that make you look like you raided J.Lo'ss closset and ssuddenly you're sso fierce that you make world-famouss fag Bobby Trendy look like the Brawny paper towel guy!

A iss for Asss! The Gayss jusst love Asss! Humping it, sspanking it, eating it!

Y iss for Yess! Part of the beauty of being gay iss that there are no uptight girlss to ssay "No!" I feel sso ssorry for sstraight guyss! They are alwayss trying to get laid and the ladiess jusst won't have it! Sstraight dudess have to employ every trick in the book: clever pick-up liness, paying for dinner, ssaying "I love you"! But gayss jusst look at each other and assk, "Wanna' sscrew?" and the ansswer iss alwayss "Yess!"

P iss for Peniss! The gayss jusst love Peniss! They esspecially love ssucking peniss and for ssome reasson, the bigger the better!

R iss for Rude! Being rude iss a huge part of being Gay! Thiss iss why sso many Gayss make great flight attendantss, fasshion dessignerss and bitter cassting agentss.

I iss for Icky! Sso much of the gay lifesstyle is Icky! Ssee letterss A and P if you don't believe me! And if that doessn't convince you then jusst imagine P going into A! Yeah, I thought that might work!

D iss for Drag! Men dresssing up like women iss jusst plain hyssterical! And the great part iss that no talent or intelligence iss needed! Can't ssing, not funny, dumber than a box of frozen deep-fried calamari!? No problem! Jusst force your big man body into an outfit originally dessigned for a woman, plop a ratty old wig on your melon head, and paint your gorilla-like face with cheap Wet'n'Wild cossmeticss and -- ha ha -- I'm laughing jusst thinking about it! Don't forget to come up with a funny play-on-wordss name like "Anita Bigga-Dilldeaux"! Next thing you know you'll have your very own show on Logo or Here! You'd better work!

E iss for Enya! Gay or sstraight, everyone lovess that Enya! Her haunting mussic ssimply makess life more beautiful! When Gayss feel frusstrated becausse they cannot get married like normal people, they can ssimply put on an Enya CD, relax, and go with the "Orinoco Flow"!

Put all thesse letterss together and they sspell GAY PRIDE -- a great reasson to get high and get laid!

Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com. Until next week ... stay gay, OK? Formore Jackie Beat,visit www.jackiebeat.net.