By Billy Masters

"If (Tom Cruise) wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets -- one adult, one child."

-- Brooke Shields (currently appearing in the West End production of the hit musical) responds to La Cruise's unsolicited medical opinion on how she should have dealt with postpartum depression. ... I took more offense at his unnecessary dig at her professional life: "I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman, (but) look at where her career has gone."

I think Tom Cruise is going nuts. No one can sue me about this, because I'm simply stating my opinion as a spectator -- kinda like Tom's opinion about Brooke Shields. I watch Cruise in interviews and at events, and I see a frightened desperation. There used to be a hunger in his eyes when it came to his work. Now there seems to be a hunger when it comes to his public image -- as if he's trying so hard to convince us that he's happy, that he's in love, that he's successful, that he's on top of the world. And perhaps it's this intense desperation that makes me wonder if he's any of those things. And isn't it intriguing that since the end of his marriage to Nicole Kidman, Cruise seems to have floundered, while Nic has bloomed both personally and professionally. She maintains a bemused silence about her famous ex -- and the two seem to publicly avoid each other like the plague. It makes me wonder whether they ever spent much time in the same room -- to say nothing of anything more intimate.

You may not have guessed from that Tom Cruise crap, but this is Billy's all-theater column. Note that even the first item ties into this topic with the mention of that triple-threat, Chicago star Brooke Shields. Speaking of the hit musical, a special three-DVD edition of the Oscar-winning film will be released in September. I recently spoke to producer Craig Zadan, who was quite excited about this DVD. "You know the musical numbers that switch between reality and fantasy sequences? Now you'll get to see them all the way through." Also included is "Class" (the deleted duet for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah), behind-the-scenes footage, a couple of documentaries, commentary tracks, and something with Chita Rivera. All for less than 35 bucks!

Didya know that the Zeta has a tragic secret? She's too damn beautiful! It's true -- Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber has revealed that Mrs. Michael Douglas was a front runner for the role of Rose in the 1990 West End production of Aspects of Love. As much as he liked Cat, director Sir Trevor Nunn felt she was so gorgeous that no man would ever reject her or cheat on her. Tell that to Halle Berry.

Madonna has tackled many things, but she's never done a musical in front of a live audience ... yet. The Hebraic scholar has her eye on a return to the London stage in a vehicle that will require her to utilize her many "talents": "My last play sold out within hours. I never missed a performance and, above all, I loved it so much. I'm planning on hooking up again with a musical mentor who I admire so much. And yes, it will be a musical role on the stage." Unless Maddie is talking about her Dick Tracy experience with Stephen Sondheim (which is possible), I'm predicting a Madonna-Sir Andy reunion.

I can now reveal that the blind item in the April 4th installment of "Filth" was about Cherry Jones and Sarah Paulson. At the time, not only was the couple not "out," Miss Paulson wasn't, either. Although many people in the theater community knew of this pairing (the ladies met during the filming of Swimmers), both Cherry and Sarah turned down requests to go on the record. And yet, the gal pals kissed on national television when Cherry won her Tony. To make the matter clear, Jones used her acceptance speech to thank her paramour (cryptically referring to Sarah as "Laura Wingfield," her character in The Glass Menagerie). This was only one of the queer moments, which included sexy Jerry Mitchell's liplock with lover Erik Sherr. For me, the show was ably stolen by Christina Applegate -- or, rather, her stunt double's pratfall. If only Sweet Charity were as entertaining.

I really anticipated the sight of Aretha Franklin to be the highpoint of the Tonys -- at least for camp value. You can usually count on The Big Girl to show up in a mass of feathers, boas, hats, and other accessories that tend to emphasize her avoirdupois. Unfortunately, Franklin performed in an almost tasteful, almost appropriate ensemble (perhaps from the Patti Austin collection). Her duet with Hugh Jackman might have been ludicrous, but she looked OK.

You'd think the folks at La Cage aux Folles would be celebrating Best Revival of a Musical and Best Choreography Tonys. Alas, there has been nary a blip at the box office, and the show will officially close on June 26. Meanwhile, The Light in the Piazza (which took home six Tonys, including Best Musical) has just extended through January 1.

Charles in Chicago sent in a theater-related "Ask Billy" question: "I heard a while ago that B.D. Wong and his partner split up about a year after they adopted their kid. What was the story on that? ... Weren't they together for about 10 years?"

This is a more complicated story than you might think. While both B.D. and Richie Jackson adopted the child, the offspring, Jackson Wong, was the result of Richie's sister's egg and B.D.'s sperm! So, technically, B.D. is the father, and Richie is the uncle (why Lifetime hasn't jumped on this story -- perhaps with Melissa Gilbert Brinkman Boxleitner as the sister -- is beyond me)! Although I don't know the details of their break-up, I do know that Richie is now involved with producer Jordan Roth. Allegedly, everyone gets along, and little Jackson will someday have a helluva story to tell his therapist!

No one has ever asked the question posed by Mark in Ft. Lauderdale: "I've been a member of Filth2Go.com ever since you posted photos of Steven Weber's big ole shlong from Hair. It looks like those were stills from a videotape. Since you now post videos on your Web site, is there any chance you'll share the goods?"

There's a very good chance. Steven Weber and Sam Harris appeared in a semi-staged production of Hair in L.A. back in the spring of 2001. Since I knew this production would include the infamous nude scene at the end of the Act One, I was prepared. However, I wasn't prepared for the sight of Steven's incredibly large (and clearly "fluffed") cock. It would be unseemly for me to imply that different people took turns "assisting" with the nightly appearance of this appendage, but it wouldn't be an incorrect allegation, either. In a huge Filth2Go exclusive, we now provide you with the uncut footage of the infamous Weber Weenie! ... Enjoy.

When I can fit in Steven's dick but not a blind item, it's definitely time to end yet another column. In a departure from our theme, I am going to beg every single person reading this column to run out on June 17 to see The Perfect Man with Heather Locklear. Why? Because I was just thinking, wouldn't it be cool if Heather was the star of a hit movie?? Come on -- let's make Heather a movie star. If this bombs, she could end up back with Tommy Lee, and I simply won't allow that. Because within five months, she'd be staring in Barb Wire 2 with fake titties and too much eye makeup. It's up to us, people. We're gonna save this one -- for the kids! What is not for the kids is our fabulous Filth2Go Web site. Of course, all questionable material is reserved for members, so sign up today. If you have a question for me, just drop a note to Billy@filth2go.com and I promise to get back to you before my lawyers talk to Tommy's lawyers! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.