Dear Readers,

Just a quick reminder that ultimately life is beautiful. As someone who makes their living focusing on the negative, sometimes it can all seem so overwhelming and hopeless to me. Perhaps you often feel this way, too. If you watch the news, with its "If it bleeds, it leads" rule of thumb, you may think life is just a never-ending parade of misery featuring missing teenage girls in Aruba, toddlers getting killed by SWAT teams, and the constant threat of terrorism. (Too bad Madonna doesn't ride the subway, huh?) Hell, even our escapism is dismal and depressing these days. Hmmm, shall I try to forget my troubles by listening to the latest Jessica Simpson song, watching her on TV, going to see her in the big-screen remake of The Dukes of Hazzard or licking her edible products off my boyfriend's hairy ass? Don't despair, things will get better! And in the meantime try to find some joy in this crazy world by adopting a dog or cat from a local shelter, helping to prepare and/or deliver meals to people less fortunate than yourself, or going to see a live show. Here's one I think you may enjoy...

Dr. Laura: In My Never To Be Humble Opinion

"A two-act one-woman theatrical event that will provide an intimate look into the mind and character of one of the premier talk show hosts in the country today. Act One is a tour-de-force performance piece that mixes humor with true life stories. Dr. Laura in her signature style will share her opinions on everything from childbirth to death and all things in between. In Act Two, she will take pre-submitted questions from that night's audience and, in distinctive, Dr. Laura improvisational style, mete out advice at the speed of light as she does every day on her radio program. Combining wit and insightful responses, Dr. Laura's ability to 'wow' an audience will keep this show running for many years to come."

Legally, they had to put the word wow in quotation marks. This crap is making its world premiere on Friday, Aug. 19 in the epicenter of culture and the mecca of groundbreaking theater, Santa Barbara. I think we should fill the audience with drunk faggots and loudly clear our cocksucking throats, noisily unwrap hard candies, and inadvertently forget to turn off our cell phones. Remember, Dr. Laura is the dried-up old hag who once said gay people were essentially a "biological error." Go to www.drlaura.com for more info and, even more importantly, to see the cartoon that makes her look like Ellen DeGeneres as a sexy aerobics instructor -- when she really looks like the frickin' Crypt Keeper after a botched sex change. And while you're online, do a search for the nude pics of this sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, judgmental old crunt. I hear they're what Lindsay Lohan uses to make herself throw up. Okay, forget the search you lazy queens -- just go to www.pencilnecks.com/Laura.html

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

As a current unpaid intern at Us Weekly, I totally feel your frustration towards all those lame a-holes (vol. 8, issue 11). I always thought your stuff was waaaay funnier than the rest, but hey, when it comes to comedy the only thing at Us to laugh at are the bunch of skinny blond bitches who work there. Blah. Anyway, my internship's slowly coming to an end, and I can safely say the only thing I got out of it was a few bits of lame celebrity gossip and a lesson in how to be un-clever. Needless to say, great column.

Your CD is the fuckin' greatest,
Justin S.

Dear Justin,

You are a doll! Please tell all your friends that my new CD, Put It In Me! features 11 of my greatest hits, including "No More Drama," "Baby Got Front," "Dildoes Are Forever," "Billy & The Priest," the title track and many more! It's available on my Web site (www.jackiebeatrules.com) or purchase one from me personally at any one of my many appearances around town -- like Monday nights at Micky's or Sunday nights at Drag Idol at Oasis. Please check my Web site for my schedule since I am very talented and, therefore, in demand. As a result, I travel quite a bit, selling my soul (and glitter-encrusted face) to the highest bidder.

Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com.

Until next week ... stay gay, OK? Formore Jackie Beat visit www.jackiebeatrules.com. Photos by Mario Diaz.