Europe! You'd think that in a place where almost every bathroom features a butthole-cleanin' bidet, the people would smell a little better. But nope! Hey, it's called deodorant, look into it. It's the last day of my trip and I'm sitting in my luxurious suite at the Intercontinental Hotel in Athens, Greece, waiting for the phone to ring. See, Roseanne -- for whom I opened on the Atlantis gay cruise from which I just disembarked -- is staying at a no doubt even more luxurious hotel somewhere in town and my cell phone doesn't work here in fragrant Europe. So, if I'm going to join Roseanne, her boyfriend, her hilarious son Jake, and her manager James (who has been offering me oh-so-helpful diet tips all week, God bless him!) for dinner this evening, then I have to sit here by the phone. Staring at it. Trying to make it ring by the sheer will of my mind like some cocktail waitress who got boned last night by a drunk Colin Farrell. Let's be honest, it ain't gonna ring -- for her or for me. All of my signature bitterness aside, the trip has been amazing. In addition to Athens, we have been to ...

Barcelona, Spain: I spent one night walking around the city before getting on the enormous Celebrity Millennium cruise ship. The only thing more gorgeous than the city of Barcelona is the men who live there. And the only thing more gorgeous than the men are the women. Skinny bitches. Bronze, beautiful, skinny bitches!

Ibiza, Spain: More sexy Spaniards wearing next to nothing. I think I'll have a snack.

Livorno (Florence and Pisa), Italy: I saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the cathedral. While perusing the goods at a souvenir T-shirt stand, the sexy Italian boy who worked there approached me, smiled, and enthusiastically informed me that they carry "King Kong size." Insulted and depressed, I cheered myself up with a huge waffle cone of pistachio gelato.

Civitavecchia (Rome), Italy: I saw the Arch of Constantine, the Forum, Vatican City, St. Peter's Basilica, Fontana di Trevi, the Spanish Steps, and the Pantheon, at which I made several hilarious lisping "Keep your pantheon!" jokes. Keep your pants on, get it? No one laughed then either.

Istanbul, Turkey: I could go on and on about the beautiful country and the history and blah blah blah, but it's all about the men in Istanbul! I was really craving some dark meat Turkey, if you know what I mean. And you know Jackie's favorite part is the skin, right? Gobble, gobble.

Santorini, Greece: Hmmm, should we take the rickety-looking old gondola up the steep mountain -- or ride a donkey? Since we're not just fat Americans, but also animal lovers, we took the terrifying gondola. And it was worth it -- there was food up there!

Mykonos, Greece: I swam in the ocean and sunbathed with Roseanne. Damn, she's got a lot of trashy tattoos. But not as many as me! At one point she literally screamed, "Would you turn that fucking disco music off, I'm tryin' to relax!" Okay, this is why the world hates Americans. But she did have a point. After all, we had been listening to that incessant thump, thump, thump aboard the gay cruise and thought we might finally get a little peace once on shore. We gave everyone dirty looks as we stomped off the beach and hightailed it to the nice quiet restaurant nearby. Ah, that's better! Surprisingly, shoveling baked feta and fried calamari into your mouth makes very little noise.

Athens, Greece: My last day. We're off the ship, but my body is still gently swaying back and forth. I had so much fun opening for Roseanne and then doing my own show a few nights later. We both killed. Atlantis wants me to do more cruises and I can't wait! I must admit it's annoying to have queens kissing my ass after a successful show -- buying CDs and T-shirts, asking for autographs -- and then the next day, when I say hi to them out of drag, getting attitude from them all. "How dare you have the unmitigated gall to flirt with me, grandpa?!" But I'm not bitter. Okay, maybe just a little, as I sit in my hotel room staring at the phone, despite the fact that I'm within walking distance of the ancient Acropolis. Oh my gay god! It's ringing!

Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com.

Until next week ... stay gay, OK? For more Jackie Beat visit www.jackiebeatrules.com

photos by Mario Diaz