Celebrity Gossip

By Billy Masters

Je suis tres desole! You know when I exclaim in French, it's serious! Overly inflated prices charged for Atkins food products have led the conglomerate to declare bankruptcy. Who do I blame? The Widow Atkins, that's who -- she's driven the company into the ground. What the hell am I gonna do without my Atkins Banana Nut Muffins?

I'm without my muffins and Jennifer Aniston is without Brad Pitt. But she's sure of one thing: Brad did NOT cheat on her during their marriage. When asked by Vanity Fair magazine point blank if she thought Brad and Angelina had an extramarital affair, Jen shook her head and said, "I choose to believe my husband." And who else has been saying that since day one? Moi, that's who (OK, so maybe we're both delusional).

Pamela Anderson has revealed that her current liaison with Tommy Lee is solely to help publicize his upcoming reality show. NO! I refuse to believe it. Two people would pretend to be a couple and even announce they were getting married solely to get some good publicity for a disastrous project? ... SHOCKING!

Have you ever wanted to sink one into Jude Law's hole? Or maybe just play with his balls? If so, then check out eBay, where someone is selling the billiard table Jude rented while filming All the King's Men. You may have read that Daisy Wright (the nanny who had an affair with Law) alleges that the sexy actor mounted her on a billiard table -- which if I'm not mistaken was the original staging of the love scene from The Accused. Daisy is quoted on the cover of one those British rags: "We had sex on his pool table. The balls flew everywhere..." I bet they did!

This week, I was in Los Angeles to see Gladys Knight and Chaka Khan at the fabled Hollywood Bowl -- at least I think it was the Bowl. From my seat, it could have been Boston's Hatch Shell! The pairing of Gladys and Chaka was a dream come true, although the lack of any duets took away from what could have been a magical evening. While Chaka was clearly more jazz tinged (she's promoting her new CD, ClassiKhan), Gladys delivered a good old-fashioned, by-the-numbers assay of her career -- and what a career it's been! If Knight were just starting out, her ability would make her stand out head and shoulders from the pack. But knowing that same voice has been entertaining us for decades makes her a national treasure. If you're in Vegas, you can see Gladys at the Flamingo, the casino she's called home for a few years.

Madonna is planning to hit the road again, kinda. The ambitious minx has kept all of her clothes and costumes in storage and has determined that she should send the clothes out on the road -- alone! "My goal is a traveling exhibit. Like that Jackie Kennedy show. Not just costumes, but video imagery and film and interviews and concert footage." Yeah, just like Jackie Kennedy.

This past week, Hollywood hosted the movie premiere of The Dukes of Hazzard. I am not going to waste precious column space by talking about that farcical "couple," or that ridiculous wig (goes with the beard, I'm sure). Instead, I'm gonna focus on the important stuff: the appearance of Ÿber-sexy John Schneider, who showed up in a tight T-shirt and snug jeans, looking every inch the role of Bo. That's not to say anything against humpy Seann William Scott (who still is hot, despite his shaved head). Schneider obviously approved, given the following paragraph from coverage of the event in USA Today: "After seeing the film, TV's original Bo Duke, actor John Schneider, took Scott aside. 'I just told Seann he did a really good job as Bo,' conceded Schneider, who even gave Scott his phone number." HUH? Did you catch that? John slipped Seann his phone number! Boy, I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that tete-a-tete.

Speaking of fellas with rockin' bodies, let's talk about Ben Patrick Johnson. There are so many reasons I like Ben. After his unceremonious demotion as the first host of Extra (allegedly because the brass found out his sexual preference), he bounced back. He reinvented himself and tried new things. Deciding that life in front of the camera was not for him, Ben has become one of the most popular voice-over announcers in the biz (you've heard him on Entertainment Tonight, FOX Sports Net, and numerous movie trailers). Deciding that he wasn't quite content with his appearance (which was pretty damn nice even back then), he's transformed his body and is a fitness model. Deciding that he wouldn't keep his experiences to himself, he's parlayed them into two semi-autobiographical novels: In and Out in Hollywood, his first, and Third and Heaven, his latest (just released by Alyson Publications). Those of you unfamiliar with Ben's body of work might want to cruise on over to his Web site at www.BenPatrickJohnson.com.

But it's far more important that you head to Filth2Go.com, where we will reveal every inch of Ben's physical body -- fully nude, full frontal, semi erect. I'm willing to go on record and say that he has one of the most magnificent physiques that I have come across (and that's saying something!). While you're on my Web site, feel free to eavesdrop on my conversation with Benji from when I guest hosted Boston radio station WFNX's show One In Ten. In the course of that discussion, Ben relates his thoughts on the inner workings of Hollywood, reveals what drives him, and lets us in on some of his insecurities -- which will be fascinating to people who look at him and think he has it all.

Could it be that a certain leading man has been leading a double life? So say sources down with our favorite fake fey, who ain't straight as an arrow. I guess I'm not surprised. Just look at that somewhat matronly missus who looks more like his mum. Or that air about him that is often explained away with that age-old excuse "He's not gay, he's just foreign." But the clincher was hearing that while his matrimonial bed is unsullied ... his dressing room is a different story. Seems a dresser with impeccable timing walked in on a scene that likely should have taken place on a billiard table (see how I tied this whole column together?).

When I'm more concerned about my discontinued muffins than I am with any of the aforementioned hot men, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Let me make a statement so clear as to avoid any misinterpretation -- I am moving to a cave in Uzbekistan. What a week I have had. Everything, and I mean everything - has gone wrong! I probably wouldn't have any of these problems in a cave. Oh, sure, I'd have different problems, but even in a cave, I'd still have you, the fans. While I throw myself into updating Filth2Go.com, feel free to send your most challenging questions to me at Billy@filth2go.com, and I promise to get back to you before I track down Schneider and Seann! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.