Oprah has often spoken about the importance of keeping a "gratitude journal" and I must say that I agree with her whole-heartedly on the subject. But to make things a little more interesting, I decided to compile an alphabetical list of things I love...

Cool To Me, From A to Z!

A is for Arquette. Whether it's Alexis dropping out of sight for two weeks to be sequestered with Everyone's Favorite '70s TV Mom, That Uppity Black Sitcom Drycleaner, The '80s Video Vixen-Turned-Husband-Beater and The Frazzled Heavy Metal Lite Guitarist on VH-1's latest installment of The Surreal Life, or Patricia winning the Emmy for finally bringing a natural style of acting to television on her supernatural hit series, Medium -- you gotta love those talented Arquettes!

B is for bitchiness. Without it, I wouldn't have a career!

C is for cock. Hemlines may rise and fall, and neck ties may go from thin to wide and back again, but a nice big fat juicy cock will never go out of style.

D is for my band Dirty Sanchez. I honestly can't figure out if we're actually good or if we're just so bad that we're good, but in the long run who really cares? We got a fuckin' record deal and that's all that matters, haters!

E is for eggs, scrambled. Yum.

F is for fisting. Just kidding, that's gross! F is for Franklin Mint who make the most delightful collectible plates and figurines, silly.

G is for girls. I love 'em! My best pal Mario Diaz's club, Hot Dog, recently moved from The Parlour to 7969 and now with more space to work with he's featuring a couple of super hot girl go-go dancers. Do you know how hard it is for me not to punch some fag in the face every time one walks up and whines, "Why are there girls dancing here?" 'Cause girls are cool, asshole.

H is for Hot Dog at 7969. See letter G.

I is for ice cubes. Having just come from performing in Europe where they give you maybe one or two ice cubes in your Diet Coke, I would just like to say, "Yo, EuroTrash, ice is fuckin' free so don't skimp!" I mean, who wants a lukewarm soda? They're chunks of frozen tap water, Frenchie, not diamonds! And while we're on the subject, would ya turn on the frickin' air conditioning, Stinky?

J is for Jackie Beat. If I wasn't me, I would go see me. Seriously.

K is for kids. Kids are really funny. I love their energy. But not in a Michael Jackson way.

L is for lipliner, lipstick, and lip gloss. Hey, I'm a drag queen. What did you expect me to say, leather chaps?

M is for Missy Elliot. Everything she does is cool.

N is for nachos. Now that I'm back on my healthy eating program I can no longer indulge in them, but the genius Mexican who invented this perfect snack food deserves a blow job on demand from whomever he wishes. Yes, even your mom.

O is for orgasm. Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say something very controversial that a lot people may not agree with, but I think orgasms feel real good.

P is for Parton, Dolly. Hey, I'm a drag queen. What did you expect me to say, Paulie Shore?

R is for Roseanne. She's hilarious and it's an honor to be her opening act.

S is for Showgirls. The rotten movie and the drag show we do at Micky's in WeHo every Monday night at 10:30 p.m. Please come! And remember to bring a lot of money to tip me because S is also for singing, which I do real well -- so tip me, motherfucker!

T is for terriers. I have two of the sassy little beasts and I adore them. Let's be honest, you're never gonna find Mr. Right, so you may as well go out and adopt a dog from a local rescue. What are you waiting for, you lonely bitter homosexual? DO IT!

U is for underwear, wet. Please refer to letter C for what should be bouncing around inside them. U is also for Uncut. Yum.

V is for very. Whatever you are trying to be, put the word "very" in front of it and make that your goal: Very nice, very famous, very rich. Because anything worth being is worth being very!

W is for writing. I love writing plays and movies and songs and this column! Sometimes when I think of all those dumb drag queens out there who can't even put a simple sentence together, I cry. Actually, I laugh. But I laugh so hard that I end up crying, so technically...

X is for X-rated, adult-themed, pornographic, erotic, filthy, hardcore films. Keep those freebies a-comin', Miss Chi Chi LaRue, or I'll let everyone know that you are actually a real women from Thousand Oaks with three kids and an out-of -work husband! Whoops.

Y is for yellow. It's my favorite color! Someone told me recently that Yellow is the color of happiness, which is kinda weird 'cause I'm suicidal. Kidding.

Z is for zippers. I like it when they go down to reveal what I listed for letter C!

NEXT ISSUE: That's So Gay, From Z to A!

photos by Mario Diaz