Dear Readers,

Once again, I find my mailbag bursting with letters from troubled celebrities. Now you may be asking yourselves, "Why the fuck would famous people write in to a gay magazine to get advice from a drag queen?" That's a good question and one that I can answer. Perhaps they do not trust airing their dirty laundry to a therapist or psychologist with National Enquirer on speed dial. Maybe they are egotistical, self-centered energy-suckers who have no friends in whom they can confide. Maybe, just maybe, they really love drag queens and the sassy, no-nonsense way they deal with problems. Whatever the reason, celebrities really do write in to ask for my help. I mean, it's not like I make these letters up myself just so I can fill this area in the magazine and collect my paycheck!

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I am young, beautiful, famous, and rich. I am also what they call a "triple threat" which means I can sing, I can dance, and I can act. What I can't seem to do is drive 10 feet without getting in an accident. Just recently, I hit some Mexican guy in a mini van while I was shopping on Robertson. What should I do?

Signed,
Super Slender Fender Bender

Dear Super Slender,

What a coincidence! I am also young, beautiful, famous, and rich. I just happen to also be a "triple threat" and I too have been in more than my fair share of hit-and-runs, so I know what you are going through. Buckle up sister, 'cause I'm gonna try to steer you in the right direction with a few simple suggestions:

A) Driving takes brains and guess what -- brains need food! So, you may want to consider taking drastic steps and actually start eating again. Even if it's just a few bites of food at the Ivy between those obscene shopping sprees at Lisa Klein. It goes like this: Buy an oversized metallic leather handbag, eat a cracker. Buy a boho sequined tunic, eat a carrot. Buy an '80s-inspired chunky belt, eat an olive. There is no reason you cannot attempt to fill that hole in your soul through compulsive shopping, you simply need to remember to eat!

B) Slow down on the booze. If you are trying to escape the paparazzi while "fully loaded" you are just asking to hit a Mexican guy in a mini van, lady. And if he only knows one word in English, trust me, it's "SUE!"

C) Hire a chauffer. You have the frickin' money.

D) Dye your hair back to that sexy red and gain back those 20 pounds you lost doing coke in the bathroom with your gay stylist friends. I know this has nothing to do with driving, but I just thought I'd tell you what everyone else is thinking.

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

My husband and I are the world's most famous "newlyweds" but I'm afraid that the honeymoon is over. I was a virgin when we got married, and now I'm making up for lost time -- sleeping with every guy I meet, including a particularly hot and nasty jackass. How do I tell my sweet, squeaky clean, out-of-work husband that I want a divorce?

Signed,
These Boots Were Made For Walkin'

Dear Boots,

You need to sit down with your husband, look him square in the eye and in a caring and sensitive way scream, "I'm sorry, but you are boring me to death, you limp-dicked motherfucker! I need a guy to throw me down and shove his big ol' monster cock in my Daisy Dukes and then shoot all over my flawless Proactiv face!" I think if you put it this way, he'll get the subtle hint that you want out.

photos by Mario Diaz

Together again live on stage for the first time in over seven years: Jackie Beat and Sherry Vine are Dirty Girlz!

Two nights only -- Sunday & Monday Nov. 6 & 7, Cavern Club Celebrity Theatre at Casita Del Campo Restaurant, 1920 Hyperion Ave., Silver Lake, 8 p.m., $12 pre-sale, $15 at door For tickets, visit www.acteva.com/go/jackiebeat.