An Open Letter to All My Friendster and MySpace "Friends"

Dear "Friend,"

Thank you so much for your sweet, 1,200 word message telling me how much you adore me. I especially liked the part at the end when you asked if I knew how you could get ahold of Alexis Arquette because you wrote a part for him in your student film or you've had the biggest crush on him since the first time you saw Last Exit to Brooklyn. It's not like my time is precious or anything. And it's not like your flagrant mutilation of the English language and numerous misspellings of even the most simple words made me want to open a vein with a piece of broken beer bottle. Seriously, I love the fact that so many young people today are idiots. It's sexy! Almost as sexy as using 10 or 12 exclamation points or question marks after every poorly constructed sentence!!!!!!!!!! Right????????????

Also, buddy ol' pal, I have to thank you so much for keeping me informed of your many upcoming events. The reason I never go to such super-fun things is only due to the fact that super-cool people never tell me about them, so your dozens of reminders are very much appreciated. And on that note I am so sorry I missed your art installation featuring 99 Cent Store pantyliners with misogynistic words such as "Bitch" and "Ho" emblazoned across them in real HIV-positive menstrual blood. And I could just kick myself for not making it to your band's show at that frozen yogurt shop in Fontana, I would have loved to have heard your campy and ironic electro version of Michael Jackson's "Bad." Hey, any band with the name Dark Membrane has to be good. Keep rockin'! And I am so sorry that I could not attend the commitment ceremony of your two companion cats, Mr. Cheezedoodlez II and Amityville Whore at your recent Halloween party in Bellflower, but thanks for the blurry pictures. Yes, the cats look absolutely adorable in their matching '80s aerobics outfits and yes, you look just like Magenta in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. That is, if a pre-Jenny Craig Kirstie Alley had played her, you hideous fat fuck! Oops, for a moment there I almost forgot that we're "friends." Sorry.

Oh and before I forget, mi amigo, could you please send me more info on that kid with cancer whose parents died in Hurricane Katrina? Now, how does it work again? Everytime I repost the message the Red Cross will send him a dime? Yes, that it's -- I remember now, because after reading it I thought to myself, "Yes, this just makes sense. What a great way to help a kid out. God bless that Red Cross!" I would also like more stuff on the bird flu, tour updates on Death Cab For Cutie, and anything and everything that's anti-Bush. So few people are afraid to say anything against our dumb president, especially in such an inarticulate, uninformed way -- so keep the sophomoric Bush-bashin' a-comin'! I never realized just how passionate people with Down Syndrome such as yourself are about politics. And for God's sake please give me your opinion on Madonna: her new album, her new look, her new children's book, her last bowel movement. She is more relevant than ever and your obsession with her is totally understandable.

And finally -- now how can I say this in a nice way? We are not friends, you stupid bitch! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!? Are you!? Seriously, are you sitting in an insane asylum tap, tap, tapping away on an outdated donated lap top with bloody fingers and a glazed look in your eyes? News Flash: I do not know you and I do not want to know you. I do not care about your cats, your band, your "new tats," or your goddamn vagina. Especially your goddamn vagina. And it's not because I don't like vaginas. I have nothing against vaginas, ask anyone. Ask Sharon Klane, the girl I took to the prom. I love vaginas! Okay, maybe "love" is too strong a word, but my point is I do not care about your vagina not due to a general hatred or disgust for said vagina, but because -- drumroll, please -- I do not know you! Get it?

Delete.

photos by Mario Diaz

Friday, November 18th
WIGOUT! with Jean Natalia & special guests!

DJ Roddy Bottum
M BAR
1253 Vine Street
Hollywood CA 90038
(323) 856-0036

Doors open at 10:30 p.m., show at 11, Jackie around midnight $5 with a wig, $7 without www.jeanspinosa.com/wigout www.mbarhollywood.com.