By Dana Miller

"I had the blessing and honor the other afternoon of spending quality time with our 39th president, Jimmy Carter. He is a Nobel Peace Prize winner and arguably the best post-office president in American history."

What is it about Disneyland that cripples people? I'm serious. Perhaps that Joel Grover guy from the TV news should do a hidden camera investigation. A couple of Saturdays ago we jetted to Disneyland to party at the Happiest Place on Earth. Everywhere we went, budged, throttled, or tried to move there were wheelchairs in our way. Now before you skewer me for extreme insensitivity, I understand and totally respect that a large representation of folks actually in need of wheelchairs were there enjoying themselves and discovering this mystical, magical place in the middle of farm country, Orange County, USA. All those truly in need should be absolutely in the front of every line. No doubt about that! But the wheelchairs in question in my noggin belonged to Disneyland. You rent them at the park. Now if in your every day stroll about our world you require a wheelchair, don't you own one? Do you really rent it from every festive locale you appear at? My group has been going to Disneyland for years and we were all baffled by the sheer tonnage of wheeled vehicles. And kindly don't excerpt this so I look more insensitive than I truly am (not an easy task I assure you). The wheelchairs were omnipresent at Mickey's joint. You couldn't move! I've seen the same phenomenon in Nashville during their annual Fan Fair show. Scammers rent wheel chairs in twangtown for the very same reason they do at Disneyland: front of line access. And take heed, I honestly believe there is a modern day sad and sorry reason for this increase in wheeled transportation: obesity. I'm dead serious. I saw so many damned huge beastly-like people in the wheelchair line hop out of their chariots and jump into a Pirates of the Caribbean boat or the Haunted Mansion cart like Jenner over a pole-vault in the '76 Olympics. Lazy is not an excuse to get in our collective way at Walt's Playground. It's a system obviously being totally abused. Just walk or stroll from that corn dog stand on Main Street to the clam chowder counter in New Orleans Square. Then you'll have the power and energy to actually walk onto the Jungle Cruise rather than being rolled.

That said, I have discovered the special super secret of the mega rides at Disneyland. Our friend Patrick introduced us to the world of Fast Pass. If you don't know about it, commit this to memory. When you get to Disneyland appoint one of your peeps to be your Fast Pass guy. Here's the deal. He takes your tickets and dashes to the fab rides you'll wanna hit; Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Haunted Mansion, Indiana Jones, whatever. Via computer at the ride, you can reserve access in advance and cut your wait time to almost nothing. A 90-minute wait for Indiana Jones was five for us with Fast Pass. We walked straight into the Haunted Mansion while others waited 50 minutes in that winding line. This is available to everybody, but for some reason not a ton of folks use it. Perhaps there is a potential biz for those with the entrepreneurial spirit who could deliver a "Fat Fast Pass" at the Magic Kingdom. Never mind, they already have that -- it has wheels!

What a total treat the other day to celebrate The Elizabeth Taylor Endowment Fund for the UCLA Clinical AIDS Research and Education Center. I love the old broad. Despite the rumors that she is at death's door, the Dame is in good health and better spirits. Elizabeth is and always will be a class act. In the 14-year history of the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation (never any overhead, she always personally covers it), Elizabeth has quietly raised 10 million bucks. She helped co-found amfAR, which has raised $233 million. Rock Hudson's passing rocked her world and mine as well. APLA became the charity of choice for the entertainment biz initially based solely on Elizabeth's support. She was there at the very beginning and is still there today. The other day she said she was hanging on "solely to see a cure." A joke and a laugh that I truly believe. It is her passion. Elizabeth has never told me no when it related to AIDS. Time and time again she would show up because she knows the value of an entrance. Especially her entrance. Three years ago Elton John was hosting a concert event and I wanted to surprise him. But what do you get Elton? I asked Elizabeth to show and she immediately said yes. Together they were marvelous and in the spirit of Burns & Allen, Martin & Lewis, and Hope & Crosby they totally off-the-cuff hit it out of the park. Elton looked at her ring and said to the crowd, "Afterwards, we're all going skating on it." Over the years to prepare for one event or another I would head up the hill to Elizabeth's place on Nimes Road in Bel Air. It was always fun to take someone along to experience the lovely legend. One year I dragged my buddy Bill Harrison. He was a board member of APLA, so it sorta made sense. Bill is of the age that he revered Elizabeth less than I. That changed in an afternoon. After patting Bill down and having him sign a non-disclosure waiver (what were they thinking? I'm the clown with a column), we were ushered into her truly comfortable and classy estate. As always we sat in that wonderful living room for two hours staring at the Van Gogh's and waiting for the entrance. Bill's eyes told it all. He was a kid in a toy store. I love that history bridge. When she strolled in, she was, as always, quite simply exceptional. Bill was a convert. What charm! What wonderful elegance! So I sat there the other day and thought what a blessing this superstar is, this broad who has seen it all, been there-done that, this lady who took up our cause when no one else would. Elizabeth made it okay to talk about AIDS in living rooms and on the Senate floor. For a lot of reasons she is a national treasure and for one very specific reason she is our community's national treasure. UCLA is damned lucky to have both her and her unparallel legacy. So are we.

The other evening APLA's Ambassador Council, (of which I'm a member so the entity is at the very least suspect) paid tribute to a wonderfully worthy and handsome gent, David Cooley. Up at Bar on 4 at Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills a few hundred swells took a moment to thank one of the true good souls and spirits in this town. Many times I have written of the generosity of David and his enterprise, the Abbey. Like Geffen, Diller, Elizabeth, Bohnett, and Burkle, David has always given back. With Cooley it's not about billing or placement on letterhead, he just simply gets it. His success has become our success and to count him amongst our family is a true treasure. I hope APLA plans on making this honor an annual event and I hope they continue to get it right like they did with Cooley. Congrats, Dave!

Bruce Vilanch was there at the Cooley event. I truly and totally respect and honor Bruce. He's another one who is always there for our community. Lord, APLA, honor him! We did 11 Commitment to Life shows for APLA and Bruce wrote every one for free. He made every honoree and every performer funny. Not an easy task. There is something very special about Bruce. Such a warm, caring heart. In the trendy tradition of Vegas becoming the new West Coast for theater, Bruce is performing again in Hairspray next May after Harvey Fierstein opens it. Damned good for him.

I had the blessing and honor the other afternoon of spending quality time with our 39th president, Jimmy Carter. He is a Nobel Peace Prize winner and arguably the best post-office president in American history. He is Southern Baptist and more conservative on some issues than you would think. So as he and I chatted and inexplicably got into Roe v. Wade it was bizarre to hear him utter the words, "Some think life begins when a man's penis ejaculates into a woman's vagina." I was dumbstruck, stunned, and aghast. I laughed that uncomfortable laugh we all do and sort of closed down. The former Leader of the Free World just said "penis" and "vagina" to me, let alone "ejaculates" and I frankly kinda lost it. Odd damned moment in my odd gawd damned life.

By the way, Academy Award winning producer, one of IN magazine's Top Twenty Gay Power Players and all around great and generous guy Bruce Cohen told me the other night that he believes Hillary Clinton will be our next president. He's totally sincere. Bruce, I believe, spends as much time making movies as he does positively mired in politics. So for those of us who ingest politics and D.C. in shorthand, listen to Bruce. Because he feasts on the stuff and I trust him and his palate.

Congratulations to the Gay & Lesbian Center on their annual dinner the other night at the Century Plaza Hotel. A smart, cute, and committed crowd still shows up. Gotta love that! Toy Box Party 2005 is coming your way on Dec. 11. Please be there. An unwrapped toy is your total ticket to get in. It's a fun bash, I'll give you free booze and you'll likely get laid. What the hell else do you need? Look for the ad in this issue. Be well, my sweet, be well.

See You Out & About

Contact me at Malibudana@aol.com