An Open Letter To Any And All Hollywood Producers Out There:

Stop. Don't do it. Throw that script in the wastebasket right now. I've got news for you... No one wants, or needs, to see a remake of Beverly Hills Cop starring that popular young black stand-up comic or the rapper du jour. Although it's not my cup of tea, the original Beverly Hills Cop starring Eddie Murphy was just fine so -- news flash! -- there is absolutely no need to remake it. There are only two reasons to remake a movie: the story is a classic and deserves to be updated for today's audience or the original film was a failure and it's time to take another stab at it. Neither applies to Beverly Hills Cop so throw that crap in the wastebasket now! Yes, this is what you should have done with the scripts of The Stepford Wives, Planet of the Apes, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Haunting, Oceans 11, Father of the Bride, Alfie, Sabrina, The King & I, Freaky Friday, Dawn of the Dead, The Longest Yard, The Fog, King Kong, The Amityville Horror, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Bad News Bears, House of Wax, Herbie Fully Loaded, Guess Who, Cheaper by the Dozen, Yours Mine & Ours, The Manchurian Candidate, and what I consider to be the ultimate sacrilegious slap in the face to the art of filmmaking, Psycho. And don't even get me started on the recent made-for-TV remakes of my two favorite films of all time, Carrie and The Poseidon Adventure. Imagine a rat pooping, then eating it's own poop, then puking it up, then a pretentious art student taking a Polaroid of that poopy puke and then a really bad graphic artist scanning it and e-mailing it to his drunk friend and then that friend printing it out and putting it on a size small t-shirt and then forcing morbidly obese comedian Louie Anderson at gunpoint to wear that shirt. Now get that skintight rat poop/puke Polaroid scan t-shirt wet with Safeway brand diet lemon lime soda and make Louie do jumping jacks, film it on nightvision video and play it back in slow motion. It would still be better than those two embarrassing remakes.

Hey, I've got a great idea! Why don't you reach over to that pile of original scripts you've been ignoring and pull one out. Tell your assistant to hold all your calls and read it. No, don't merely "scan" it, quickly "peruse" it or read "most of it" -- READ IT ALL, YOU LAZY UNCREATIVE BASTARD! Then read another. And another until that leaning tower of screenplays is finally gone. Now choose your favorite and go get financing. No! Do not turn on Nick at Nite with the idea of turning an old TV show into a big screen project, you corpse-picking vulture! That worked once with The Addams Family, thanks to superior writing and acting. Even The Brady Bunch Movie was amusing, but now we have to sit through unwatchable shit like Bewitched, Charlie's Angels, Starsky & Hutch, The Honeymooners, SWAT, and The Dukes of Hazzard. What's next? "Coming this summer... Scarlett Johanson, Natalie Portman, and Kiera Knightly are The Golden Girls!" Yes, it's a joke, but Miami Vice starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx is anything but. And don't even get me started on movies based on motherfuckin' video games and boring, caucasian remakes of brilliant Japanese horror movies!

Say it with me, everyone: "NO MORE FUCKING REMAKES! NO MORE GREAT TV SHOWS TURNED INTO LOUSY MOVIES! NO MORE BAD SEQUELS OR EVEN WORSE, RETARDED PREQUELS! AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO MORE GODDAMN MOVIES IN WHICH JENNIFER ANISTON PLAYS AN EDGY, BRA-LESS SLUTTY CHARACTER IN YET ANOTHER DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO MAKE US FORGET THAT SHE WAS, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN RACHEL FROM FRIENDS!"

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

It's so hard to buy holiday gifts for my seen-it-all, done-it-all friends and my cynical & jaded family. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Gift Horse
West Hollywood CA

Dear Horse,

Why not give the priceless gift of laughter by treating your loved ones to my annual holiday show? Liza Minnelli sure got a kick out of it last year! Tickets are reasonably priced and so simple to purchase at www.acteva.com/go/jackiebeat. Stuff your stockings with my CD's Jackie's Greatest Hits and the holiday hits, Jackie Beat is Comin' To Town. Both are available on my Web site www.jackiebeatrules.com.

Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com. Until next week ... stay gay, OK?