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 Dear Precious Readers,
It's so difficult to choose just the right holiday gift.
While there are countless magazines and TV shows currently
spotlighting great gift ideas, who's got the guts to tell
you what not to give? Me, that's who! So while you may think
you have a great present in mind for your friends and family,
let me explain why the following items are awful ideas!
CLOTHES... are always a precarious choice because everyone
has their own specific style and taste. Also, sizes are so
difficult to determine. If I was buying a blousy peasant
top for my good friend Mary Kate Olsen, I would just assume
that she wears a size ZERO, right? Wrong! She actually wears
baby clothes in 12 - 24 months! If I had gone and given her
that size zero top, she would have burst into tears and asked, "Do
you think I'm fat?" Trust me, sobbing girls with eating
disorders can really ruin a holiday gift exchange. So forget
the clothes.
BOOKS... may make you imagine your friend in bed, snuggled
up with a cup of hot cocoa enjoying a few hours of much-needed
and decadent downtime.But what if you choose the wrong book?
Can you imagine if I gave my good friend Kate Moss the Oprah
Book Club selection A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
about a drug addict going through the hell of crack and crystal
meth withdrawal? She'd be back on coke before you could say, "Hey
look everyone, Kate's back on coke!" And what if I gave
my good friend Kirstie Alley the cookbook Brownie Points:
Over 100 Outrageously Delicious and Easy Recipes Based on
America's Favorite Dessert by Lisa Slate? She'd be back in
XXXL black polyester stretch pants just in time to sit on
the couch alone watching Lifetime Television For Women on
Valentine's Day. And what if I bought the book Are Men Necessary?
by Maureen Dowd for my good friend Queen Latifah? OK, that
would actually be a great gift idea for her, but what if
you got any book at all -- even Green Eggs & Ham by Dr.
Seuss -- for someone like my good friend Lindsay Lohan? She
would be absolutely crushed because she recently tearfully
confided in me that, sadly, she is illiterate. And now here
we are again with a sobbing girl with an eating disorder.
Not exactly festive, is it? So when it comes to books, and
reading in general, just say no!
GIFT CERTIFICATES AND GIFT CARDS... are a great way to "play
it safe." But let's be honest, they scream, "I'm
lazy and/or I don't love you very much!"
BIG TICKET ELECTRONICS LIKE X-BOX, PLAYSTATION, iPOD, ETC...
May seem like a great way to impress someone, but actually
it could be the end of your friendship. How? Picture it:
You give your pal a 60-inch-flat-screen high-definition plasma
TV with TiVo and surround sound, but you can't understand
why they look uncomfortable the moment they see it. Then
you open their gift to you. It all makes sense as you stare
dumbfounded at a $10 shimmery scarf from Old Navy. The rest
of the evening is forced and awkward and your friend goes
home and, humiliated, washes down a handful of sleeping pills
with a bottle of Goldschlagger. Now your friend is dead and
it's all because of you and your amazing gift. You bastard.
OK, so now you're asking, "Jackie, we know what not
to give. Can you please tell us at least one thing that is
suitable and appropriate for everyone on my list, regardless
of age or background?" Sure I can! The perfect gift
in my opinion is my good friend Lady Bunny's new DVD, Rated
X (For X-tra Retarded!). This tasteful, heartwarming one,
hour laugh-riot is not offensive in any way and will bring
years of wholesome enjoyment to everyone. So give the gift
of laughter this year. Go to LadyBunny.net and order yours
now!
Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send
an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com.
Until next week ... stay gay, OK?
Formore Jackie Beat visit www.jackiebeatrules.com.
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