By Michael "Santa" Kearns

While not a one of them sat on my lap, some of my buds agreed to reveal what they want for Christmas. From the sacred to the profane, from London to West Hollywood, their wishes are silly and sexy, political and practical, facetious and factual. I'd have my work cut out for me if I actually had to deliver the goods.

And what do I want for Christmas? Most of my desires are shared with my fabulous respondents:

ANT
celebrity fit Club

For the holidays, I'd like to cure cancer, cure AIDS, and learn how to cure a damn ham.

Charlie David
Dante's Cove

I want Seann William Scott, Rodrigo Santoro, and Antonio Sabato Jr., serenading me with "Baby It's Cold Outside" in three-part harmony. Oh yeah, in their underwear -- that's the crucial element.

John Duran
West Hollywood City Councilman

A president with a brain, a pope with a heart, and a governor with some courage -- but I don't really need to go to Kansas.

Deborah Gibson
singer/actress

I want a hit record, a boy who isn't taken, gay, or flakey. And -- oh, yeah -- health, happiness, and world peace!

Sam Harris
singer/actor

I want a TV series. And an Emmy and a Tony and a Grammy and an Oscar -- all in the same year. I want to be a two-parter on E!'s True Hollywood Story. I want to complain that the tabloids are printing lies, lies, lies, but I know it's all true. I want mobs of fans to remind me that I'm not alone in the way I feel about myself. I want to be so famous and powerful that I am loathed, despised and abominated by all the people I admire most. Oh, and world peace. Did I mention world peace?

Leslie Jordan
Will & Grace

What I want for Christmas is for more Republicans to be indicted; for Rick Santorum to get a good blow job so he can relax, prepare for the rapture and leave us alone; to bring those beautiful doe-eyed boys home from Iraq so we don't have to see them pictured daily in the obit columns; for all these so-called Christians to realize that Jesus espoused turning the other cheek and that he walked with the lepers, for goodness sake and advocated love and tolerance of all people; but most of all I really hope that we as Americans can realize that violence only begets violence and war is really not the answer and it's time, it really is time to "trim that Bush!" Stick a fork in him, people, he's done.

Sheila James Kuehl
California State Senator

I want every queer, gay, lesbian, homosexual, transgender and bisexual person in the United States to come out and be proud!

Ronnie Larsen
director/playwright

I want men to stop shaving and trimming their crotches -- it's fucking disgusting. When I suck a dick I don't want to feel like I'm sucking off a 10-year-old boy, thank you very much. And I want a cure for my mother's cancer. And I want people to stop text-messaging during the movies! Oh, and world peace, Michael, put down I want world peace so people will think I'm a good person. Thanks.

Alec Mapa
actor

I want all of the people who've suffered because of all the natural disasters this year to be safe, warm, well fed and surrounded by loved ones this holiday. And I want George W. Bush to move to far, far away and never come back.

Sir Ian McKellen
Gods and Monsters

I want an end to straight actors reporting how terrified they are of playing gay parts in movies. I know it's their way of telling us they are straight and that their efforts are Oscar worthy. They contrast badly with those who are born gay who play straight parts with never a murmur. And seasonal greetings to Michael Kearns, the first actor in Hollywood to say he is gay.

Tim Miller
performance artist

I want a new government once we get Bush-Cheney in prison for their many lies and corrupt oil-business war-making, murderous years in the White House. I want full civil marriage equality right now, plus the man or woman of our dreams.

Robin Tyler
activist/comedienne

For the holidays, I personally would like marriage equality. (There is no such thing as "same-sex marriage." After marriage, sex is never the same.) I would then marry my partner, Diane, and we would have a huge holiday party.

Bruce Vilanch
writer

Somebody else for Angelina Jolie.

Phill Wilson
director of the Black AIDS Institute

I want to wake up on Christmas morning and, like Ebenezer Scrooge, realize that the last 25 years were a horrible dream.