Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I just saw that new homoerotic film Brokeback Mountain starring those hunky straight actors, Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall as horny gay cowboys. As I was leaving the movie theater I couldn't help but think to myself, "I wonder what Jackie thinks of this!?" I was hoping that maybe you could just kinda' "go off" and make fun of it. Maybe you could start by referring to it as "Bareback Mountain!” Isn't that hilarious!? Yeah, 'cause the word "Bareback" sounds so similar to the word "Brokeback" and the movie has gays in it and when gays don't use condoms they call it "barebacking." Do you get it? It's funny, right? Feel free to go ahead and use it because as far as I can tell no one else has made this comic connection yet. So, how about it? Will you please give us one of your bitchy, catty, hilarious rants on Brokeback Mountain, Jackie?

Signed,
Nuts 4 Movies, West Hollywood

Dear Nuts,
No.

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I just finished reading a very moving and well-written article in Us Weekly regarding the tragic break-up of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage. Although I am shocked and saddened by this charming young celebrity couple's misfortune, I couldn't help but think, "I wonder what Jackie thinks of this terrible turn of events?" I was hoping that maybe you could give us your unique persepective on this history-making event. You know, give us your "two cents?" I think that this national tragedy would be easier for all of us to handle if you were to comment on it with your signature tongue-in-cheek style. So, how about it, Jackie? Will you please give us one of your bitchy, catty, hilarious rants on Nick and Jessica's break-up -- maybe even going so far as to not-so-subtley insinuate that perhaps you had something to do with it by performing oral sex on Nick?

Signed,
Divorce Is Sad, Silver Lake

Dear Sad,
No.

Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I heard a rumor that you are traveling all over performing your award-winning holiday show and that, as usual, this column snuck up on you so you decided at the very last minute to just make up a couple of rambling letters from fake readers asking you to "go off" on a few recent events to which you would simply respond, "No." Is this true? Jackie, be honest ... Are you on a Jet Blue plane right now, frantically typing this on your laptop because your column is due the moment you touch down at LAX and you're such a cheap, money-grubbing whore that you refuse to skip even a single column and subsequently lose what little compensation IN Magazine pays you for your superior wit?

Signed,
Just Curious, Somewhere Over Ohio

Dear Curious,
No.

photos by Mario Diaz

Do you have a question for Little Miss Know-It-All? Send an e-mail to NotSoNiceAdvice@aol.com. Until next week ... stay gay, OK?

For more Jackie Beat visit www.jackiebeatrules.com.