"I've been collecting stories. I feel like when Nicole Richie is being published, I really need to take a break from that particular world.There's only so much room for the brilliant authoresses."

-- Sandra Bernhard explains why she hasn't published the book she's been working on. Instead, Sandi's inked a deal to co-host Queer Edge with Jack E. Jett on QTelevision as well as develop a show of her own.

Oh, this is a helluva column.We get to start off with a story that has it all -- scandal, studs, sizzle, singers, and semen. Yes, I said semen. By the end of this item, you'll have a new perspective on an old favorite -- and perhaps Glad bags will have a whole new marketing campaign.

It all started when one of my sources at the tabloids was approached by someone we'll call John -- because, well, that's his name. Apparently, John is peddling around a story regarding a steamy encounter with Clay Aiken and is willing to sell to the highest bidder. Now, I know what you're all thinking -- a Gay Clay story? Next you'll tell us Chastity Bono was spotted at an all-you-can-eat buffet. But, oh, there's more. And before you ask, our tabloid tattler

confides that the story is with the paper's lawyers and ready to go. John has allowed his evidence to be tested and

he's even passed a lie detector test. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's go back to the beginning. John lives in North Carolina and, like so many other gay men, is regularly looking for love, and the occasional quickie, online. It was via one of these online services that Clay purportedly saw John's ad and liked what he saw -- a diminutive, olive-skinned hunk with a past in the armed services. Allegedly, Gay Clay contacted the guy, who was initially skeptical. John says that the two exchanged some photos, had some online chats, and spoke on the phone -- all of which he says he can prove with supporting documentation. Finally convinced that this was really Clay, John made plans for a tryst when GC was in town.

John claims that an assignation occurred at Aiken's hotel two weeks later. The couple supposedly had 90 minutes of unsafe sex (in a variety of positions) and about 30 minutes of conversation. We are expected to believe that during this post-coital "chat," Clay revealed various intimate details about his sexual past, his familial relationships, his future plans, and what makes him tick. While Gaiken was blabbering away, our swarthy source saw fit to somehow snag the washcloth Aiken used to "clean up" and has since preserved this semen-encrusted relic in a zip-lock bag just ready for DNA testing! Well, wouldn't you? This guy's like a gay Monica Lewinsky! I dunno about you, but this is starting to sound like a very special episode of CSI to me.

Of course, because I'm a stickler for details, I tracked down photos of both individuals in the encounter. One photo (allegedly of the singer) is the same photo we ran a few years ago when an eerily similar story surfaced. But the explicit photos of his paramour will be new to BillyMasters.com. I'm sure you'll inevitably read all about this in some supermarket rag, but you got it here first!

Faithful fans know that Billy's birthday is right around the corner -- Feb. 13, to be exact. Last year, I celebrated in South Beach. The year before was Hollywood. This year -- Viva Las Vegas. I'm off to the opening of Hairspray at the Luxor with Mimi Hines and Nancy Dussault. Yes, I run with the fast crowd (well, perhaps "run" is the wrong verb -- we stroll).The opening night is the 15th, and we'll be partying like it's 1899! In addition to Harvey Fierstein and Dick Latessa reprising their Tony Award-winning performances, the production will be graced by Susan Anton in the role of Velma Van Tussle.Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Or maybe I'm thinking of sexy Austin Miller, who returns in the role of "Link." Or it could be our own Kevin Spirtas, who is back on the boards as Corny Collins. Or it could just be Nancy Dussault ...

You know how much I hate to bash someone -- particularly when it's someone I like. And yet, I'm going to give John Barrowman a little reality check.In a recent interview, Johnny revealed that he auditioned for the role of Will in Will & Grace, but instead of hiring him, an openly gay actor, the producers gave the role to straight actor Eric McCormack. "The fact is typical of homophobic Hollywood. And the sad thing is it's run by gay men and women." Since John has forgotten, let us remind him that he publicly came out of the closet only two years ago -- and W&G has been on the air since 1998. Back then, Johnny was telling people about romantic trysts with Angie Dickinson and Cher. So, no, I don't think he was turned down because of his sexuality. I suspect it had something to do with the audition.

Our "Ask Billy" question of the week comes from Jeremy in Dallas: "Everyone seems to have found a Web site where they could see the Colin Farrell porn video, but they've all been shut down. It makes me think that the video doesn't exist. So, I figured I'd ask the master -- what do you think?"

It definitely exists. How do I know? Because I have it. And let me clarify, since I know the litigious Mr. Farrell is watching my every move (but what else is new?) -- I have "access" to the video from an overseas site that is somewhat out of Colin's jurisdiction. And yet, it's not out of my linking capabilities. So, all members of BillyMasters.com can log in and watch it to their heart's content. Let me say this about the footage -- it does indeed prove that Colin's penis is of a significant length and girth. It also proves that he has a voracious appetite when it comes to the lower part of the female anatomy -- he does things that I'm told most women beg their men to do. But my favorite part of this 14-minute footage is when Colin realizes how poorly he is filming his encounter with then-girlfriend Nicole Narain and says, "Some of the shabbiest f*cking photography in the history of f*cking porn. But you know what? I could give a f*ck!" So could we, Colin -- so could we.

Could it be that a certain pretty boy of days gone by has been sharing the bed and bank account of his slightly older doctor friend? That's the word from people close to the medicine man, who fear their pal is being taken advantage of in order for the buzz-cut beauty to make some long-overdue child support payments. Au contraire, say sources intimate with the pushy poseur, who insist he's coy about his sexuality only for professional reasons. Yeah, because it could really drag down his thriving acting career!

When I'm beating the tabloids to a story and risking the wrath of Colin, it's definitely time to end yet another column. What can I say? It may be chilly outside, but it's steamy and sultry over at www.BillyMasters.com. And we've only just begun -- we're gonna get bigger, which ironically is yet another line from the Colin Farrell video!If you have anything that needs my hands-on attention, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you the moment my hands are free. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.