Dearest Readers,

Living in Hollywood, the so-called "entertainment capital of the world," can be almost as annoying as watching an interview with a supermodel. I mean, come on, as a supermodel your job is to do coke, smoke European cigarettes, pick at a dry salad, and marry a lanky, donkey-dicked rock star with a face that could stop a clock. Seriously, why must models insist on speaking? I mean, you don't see Larry King in the Victoria's Secret catalogue wearing a thong, do you? (Ew, I think I just stumbled onto a new appetite suppressant!) Anyhoo, here are even more things that bug the shit out of me -- and some possible reasons why TV viewership is at an all-time low...

NBC's new must-see sitcom Four Kings is a big steaming pile of worthless heterosexuality. From the producers of Will & Grace, it leaves me with the same feeling I have when I see a performance by my favorite drag queen, out of drag -- just do what you do so well and stop trying to prove to everyone that you can stretch. With hilarious dialogue like this gem (uttered in a laundry room, of course), "Dude, can I piggyback on your load?" -- it's a wonder Four Kings hasn't been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, huh? What we need is yet another shitcom in the vein of The King of Queens, Yes Dear, and According To Jim. They should just call it Big Fat Husband, Super Hot Wife.

I actually enjoy watching Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit, but can we please call it what it is -- Murder She Wrote With Semen? Thank you. And the good news is that if NBC can come up with just one more Law & Order series, it will officially have more franchises than Arby's! Perhaps the new series could simply feature an NBC executive drawing a chalk outline around the remains of shows like Joey and Martha Stewart The Apprentice. Hey, don't write off Joey yet, nay-sayers! Rumor has it that the show will return next season with an exciting new twist when Joey discovers he has an adorable bi-racial 8-year-old son -- who just happens to be a blind ballroom dancer stranded on a desert island who can solve crimes with ESP!

Speaking of ballroom dancing, I'm sorry, but ABC's Dancing With The Stars 2 features more cheese than one of Kirstie Alley's erotic dreams. And I have to check with legal, but I'm pretty sure that with castmembers such as Lisa Rinna and George Hamilton the word "Stars" has to appear in quotes. And while we're talking cheese, I keep hearing that ABC doesn't have any comedies this year. Excuse me, but hasn't anyone seen Commander In Chief? More cheese? Okay! With winners like Jay Leno and Jessica Simpson, the People's Choice Awards should just go ahead and change its name to the The Most Popular But Least Talented People Awards. One more delicious sliver of cheese: The cancellation of the sappy feel-good reality series Three Wishes starring vapid Christian pop star Amy Grant proves that occasionally even one of my wishes comes true!

There's a reality TV show called America's Next Top Model, but ironically every fashion magazine cover now features a TV or movie actress instead of a model. I swear, some actresses are just never satisfied! Like former Friends star Jennifer Aniston who craves a movie career so much that she let her fairy-tale marriage to Brad Pitt disintegrate due to her Type A, workaholic, blindly ambitious personality. Now she's alone and staring at framed posters of her failed attempts to reinvent herself like Derailed (which I lovingly refer to as De-Racheled) and Rumor Has It (yep, my version is cattily called Rachel Has It!). And it works both ways because now even big movie stars are slumming on TV like Austin Powers star Heather Graham in Emily's Reasons Why Not. Frankly, I'm more curious to hear Heather's Reasons How Come. I've a sneaking suspicion the answer contains the phrase "back taxes." Sadly, ABC cancelled the show after airing only one episode. That's right, one episode! Maybe Heather and Jennifer can just become a lesbian couple, quit the biz and move to Portland.

NEWS FLASH: Carson Daly is, without question, the most untalented and boring motherfucker in show business. I realize I am old (Hell, I'm so old I remember when safe sex meant the alley we were in had a street light -- and, yes, the possibility of being run over by a horse-drawn carriage really added to the thrill!), but I don't think this is a case of a clueless old queen being out of touch and unable to relate to the hip young talk show host. Face it, Carson Daly sucks harder than Paris Hilton trying to get another part in a crappy movie.

Sorry, I gotta run -- time to watch TV!

photos by Mario Diaz