"This is the most interesting gathering I've been to in 5,000 years!"

-- Shirley MacLaine, when she accepted a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 17th annual Palm Springs International Film Festival. Geez, Shirl, like I haven't heard you use that joke about 5,000 times.

Does someone at GLAAD just mail out complaints to shows indiscriminately? The latest victim of the overly zealous organization (allegedly attempting to look out for gays and lesbians everywhere) is American Idol, because GLAAD feels that Randy and Simon have slandered gay people. Here's GLAAD's gripe -- Simon told one effete contestant he'd have more success if he shaved, put on a dress, and entered a drag competition. And Randy dared to ask if one feminine contestant (who sang "Queen of the Night") was a boy or a girl (the revelation that the singer was a boy made me go "Really?" since, like Randy, I was convinced he was a she). Neither contestant has said he is gay (or GLTB for that matter), or has ADD, or wants a BLT. So why is GLAAD getting involved? I'd hate to think they're outing these youngsters.

Since I know Simon Cowell is reading this, let me take a second to say that he is a genius! Those of you in the UK are so lucky to get The X Factor. This talent competition is like American Idol's older, wiser, smarter, more-talented brother -- and it's all due to Simon. I'll talk more about it in future columns as I continue to snag an episode here and there (unless any of my readers have 'em all -- in which case, contact me immediately). Simon has found a way to make the AI formula better by getting the judges intimately involved (and I don't mean in the Paula Abdul way), which leads to the public being more involved. I found myself brushing away more than a few tears watching the season finale while I was in London over the holidays.

I like Ashley Parker Angel -- I really do. I've met him a couple of times, and he seems sweet, sincere, intelligent, and at least slightly talented. Of course, back then he was "Ashley Angel," which is a good name for a pop star. "Ashley Parker Angel" sounds like he should be in Fried Green Tomatoes. Now he's got his own reality show, MTV's There and Back, and life hasn't been kind since the demise of his boy band, O-Town. Ash is broke, just had a child out of wedlock with his fiancée, was crashing on his fiancée's mom's sofa, is playing his guitar on the street for tips, and had a yard sale where he parted with some limited edition O-Town CDs for a buck (50 cents more if he autographed them). This purported "reality show" is incredibly stagy and scripted, and the line readings and reactions are right out of Acting 101. Ashley's still endearing, but comes off clueless and desperate. When the most recent episode was over, I just felt bad for him. I certainly am rooting for his success, but I'm not particularly confident. Before seeing There and Back, I thought the world was Angel's oyster. Now, I think he'd be happy to take a job shucking 'em!

There was a priceless scene in last week's episode when Ash's O-Town band mate Dan Miller came to visit. Dan was on The Boys of Summer tour with former boy band members Jeff (98 Degrees) Timmons, Jordan (New Kids on the Block) Knight, and Michael (One Tree Hill and But Can They Sing) Copon. In the middle of their visit, Dan found out that the group's show at the House of Blues that night was cancelled. What made this scene even funnier was that only 10 minutes before Dan arrived, Ash was on the phone with his manager wondering if he could join the tour to make some quick money.

Two other boy band members are turning their limited potential into a potentially limited series. UPN is developing a modern-day version of The Odd Couple with 'N Sync stars Joey Fatone as the Oscar character and Lance Bass as Felix. The working title is ... wait for it ... Out of Sync. Groan! It'll allegedly be a hybrid reality show/scripted comedy -- original, right? Of course, given the merger of the WB and UPN, this project could be dead in the water. Maybe they could join forces with Ashley and call it Three's Company.

American Idol runner-up Diana DeGarmo will take on the role of Penny Pingleton in the Broadway production of Hairspray. And I believe Frenchie Davis is still a part of the Broadway company of Rent. Finally, little Anthony Federov (who ain't all that little) just filmed an episode of Fear Factor. That concludes our AI trifecta.

This week's "Ask Billy" topic has been all over the news -- although some details have eluded our mainstream counterparts. Rod in Chattanooga writes: "Have you heard about that group of Army guys who did gay porn? I haven't quite heard the whole story, but figured you could piece it together for me."

I can indeed. Several members of the 82nd Airborne Division paratroopers have been accused of appearing on a gay porn Web site and in videos. Consequently, the boys in question have been moved from their regular barracks at Fort Bragg, and the Web site with the offensive footage was briefly disabled (it's back up as of this writing). The site is www.ActiveDuty.com, and the videos released by the company include Hard Corps and, of course, Hard Corps 2 (I don't believe you need to see the first film to follow the sequel). The boys are presented as "active duty" military, which could very well be clever marketing to get people to check out military men having sex with each other. I know someone will bash me for saying this, but why do all of them look so gay? I get the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" -- but "don't go out unless your body is shaved and your hair is filled with product"? Is that in the Army handbook? It hasn't been proven (or disproven) that any of the guys in the videos are actually members of the military, but there must be some kind of evidence to have prompted an investigation by the authorities -- and by yours truly. We have obtained a number of highly explicit photos (and some "action" shots) of the boys in question, and we feel it our patriotic duty to share them with you at BillyMasters.com.

Could it be that a certain sudsy stud is ready to end his long sexual dry spell with another dude? Easily one of the most stunning men in all of daytime, the ripped ruffian has been free of romantic entanglements for as long as one can remember. And yet, he's been recently spotted on several occasions with an equally beauteous boy gallivanting (almost ready to run) through the streets of the Big Apple in their well-worn jeans. One needn't be a number cruncher to do the math.

When I can take on members of boy bands and the armed forces, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Isn't it interesting that these military folks are being presented as gay and the boy band members are being presented as straight? It's a world gone loco! We ran long this week, so I barely have time to remind you to check out the hottest news and nudes at www.BillyMasters.com. If I can serve you in any way, feel free to e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before GLAAD issues a protest against me! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.