"I'm not sure where she is, but I guarantee you that wherever she is, she's being paid to be there!"

-- Larry Hagman takes a jab at Victoria Principal, who nixed reuniting with her former Dallas co-stars at the recent TV Land Awards. In other words, no money, no Vicki.

I never thought I'd begin a column extolling the virtues of Tori Spelling, but here I am ... extolling. This week, Spelling launched her new series, So NoTORIous, in a party thrown by VH-1 and Out magazine. What's Tori's connection with Out? "My God, if I want to have fun, I go out with my gay friends. Most of my male friends are gay. You people 'get' me. My dream is to be a gay icon -- how cool would that be?" Tori confided. She echoed these sentiments when she greeted the capacity crowd of gays by yelling out, "Finally -- I'm home!" Before she went on stage, Tori gestured to her cleavage and said, "How do they look?" I think she wanted fiancé Dean McDermott's opinion, but I piped up that they looked pretty damn good.

Not to be out done, Tori's on-screen mom Loni Anderson showed up sporting her own buoyant boobies. You know I'm gonna tell you the truth, and Loni looks incredible. Because I wanted to get a photo of the two of us, I grabbed the closest familiar face. That face belonged to Nip/Tuck drag diva Willam Belli, who was in full "Donna Martin" regalia. As "he" leaned forward to snap the photo of us, he literally fell off his heels! Loni, not knowing exactly what the hell was going on, jumped back as Willam thrust his shoe in her face, exclaiming, "That's the last time I buy knockoffs!" Needless to say, Loni steered clear of both of us for the rest of the evening.

Wilmer Valderrama is already making plans for when That 70s Show finishes its run at the end of this season. First on his slate is a dreadful-looking MTV show called Yo Mama, which appears to center around Wilmer traveling to inner cities and having ethnic minorities insult each other's mothers on camera. Valderrama's been everywhere on the talk show circuit, and if nothing else, we can be grateful that by the time he got to Howard Stern, he was out of topics and happy to talk about sex. He claims to have deflowered Mandy Moore, along with having had sex with Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Love Hewitt (not at the same time). When Howard asked if Wilmer's well-endowed, he replied "I'm blessed in that department." When pressed for an actual measurement, Valdy claimed to be just over eight inches long -- although I've yet to have that corroborated.

I suppose discussing someone's penis size should lead directly to gay porn. In bittersweet news, Gus Mattox has retired from the skin trade. Of course, I'm not surprised -- when I first reported he was embarking on a porn career, he had a featured role in the national tour of 42nd Street. Now that he's nabbed the prestigious "Performer of the Year" title at the GayVN gay porn awards, the talented thespian is going out on top (so to speak) and returning to the legitimate stage. Starting on May 17, Gus will be appearing in Philadelphia as part of the world premiere of Terrence McNally's new play, Some Men. The cast includes our own Malcolm Gets, Stephen Bogardus, and John Glover, with Gus playing The Piano Man and serving as assistant musical director. Yes, he's also a musician (and composer). It's almost an embarrassment of riches.

I was reminded of Gus' composing skills when chatting with the omni-talented Charles Busch last week. You see, Gus composed a song for the original production of Busch's hit Vampire Lesbians of Sodom. La Busch is the subject of a new documentary, The Lady in Question Is Charles Busch. The flick opened in NYC this past week to a bouquet of positive reviews and will debut in L.A. on April 7 and San Francisco on April 14. I'll write more about this documentary once I've seen it, but you can get more information at www.CharlesBusch.com.

The David Hasselhoff/Pamela Bach divorce is getting ugly. Pam claims, "In the past, [David] has also broken my nose and called me 'whore', 'cunt', 'bitch', 'slut,' and 'drug addict' in front of our children." In his defense, I believe those are the same terms of endearment David used when referring to the girls on Baywatch!

George Michael recently auctioned himself off for a date that would include dinner and clubbing -- oh, it would also include his boyfriend, Kenny (damn). The Lighthouse Gala Auction was a benefit for the Terrence Higgins Trust in London, which provides assistance to people who are HIV positive. The high bid was 10,000 pounds (roughly $18K). Interestingly, no money exchanged hands the night I spent with him (although he did send me home in a limo). Anyway, the winner was female, so chances are likely her evening with George will be significantly different than mine was.

This week's "Ask Billy" question comes from Lance in Philadelphia, who writes: "I recently saw a film called Lie With Me starring Eric Balfour where he's totally nude and even gets a blow job (from a girl). I've seen him on 24 and Six Feet Under. What can you tell me about him, and do you have any nude photos online?"

Eric Balfour is one of the busiest actors today, and yet he hasn't had a breakout role. He's guest starred on dozens of shows since he started working in 1991 and can currently be seen on the latest Law & Order spin-off, Conviction. Lie With Me came out last year and went direct to video here in the United States (although it did have a limited theatrical run in Iceland). There is an oral sex scene -- although you never see the actual act (this isn't a Chloë Sevigny film, after all). And, yes, Eric is indeed naked quite a bit in this film, and we'll run close-ups of his nether regions at BillyMasters.com.

Could it be that a certain blonde boy and his galpal have been known to enjoy group scenes? So say sources here and there who tell me that the goth gal enjoys having other females to frolic with. This has been no hardship to our beatific beau -- that is, until one of the couple's prospective playmates brought her hubby along for the ride. And ride him they did. I suspect the cameras weren't rolling that night.

Could it be that a bold and brassy bounder has been seeking same-sex satisfaction? Although he regularly brings home the bacon, his life doesn't revolve around work. Even now on location, this handsome guy regularly needs male companionship. Although he's particularly fond of BJs, when push comes to shove, our wanker doesn't mind taking matters into his own hands. People on the set tell me that he's racked up quite a pricey tab calling gay phone sex lines from his mobile. Can you hear me now?

When I can deliver a blind item that reads more like a personal ad, it's time to end yet another column. See? I kept my promise. Two blind items. No room for anything else -- this column was chock-a-block with dish. To enjoy my words with visual aids, check out www.BillyMasters.com. And, if you desire some one-on-one attention, e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before George and I go out on our second date. So until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.