Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I heard a rumor that you ran into some trouble on the streets of West Hollywood recently. Can you please separate fact from fiction and let us all know what really happened?

Signed,
Concerned in Clairmont

Dear Concerned,

Well, it all started a few Monday nights ago. I had to do a couple of numbers to open the big premiere of Hedwig & The Angry Inch at The Roxy starring Donovan Leitch and Bijou Phillips. I decided to do an over-the-top rock 'n' roll look and ended up resembling the illegitimate love child of KISS's Gene Simmons and Bette Midler! I rocked the house and then it was off to host Showgirls at Micky's, the super fun drag variety show I do every Monday night at 10:30 (come see me and bring tips!). My buddy, Ross the Intern from The Tonight Show, was in the audience with his mom and her best friend. I tried to watch my language, but you know how fuckin' hard that is! Anyhoo, the show was great! I got paid, slipped my barking dogs into my comfy Vans, shoved my wig into a plastic bag and walked to my car with my pal Travis (who can be seen in the hilarious new film, Art School Confidential -- go see it!).

OK, this is where things get nuts. So there I was, walking down the street in scary Insane Clown Posse makeup, no wig, and men's checkerboard slip-ons, saying hello to everyone I passed and making jokes about my male pattern balding, etc. I see a few young kids on the corner of Santa Monica and San Vicente (which, for all intents and purposes, should just be called Fag Street and Sodomite Boulevard, right?). These kids were doing a tweaky little white kid rap complete with really bad old skool poppin' and lockin'. In a funny voice I said, "Jeez, some people are soooo weird!" Big mistake. This enormous guy in the group turned to me and screamed, "You're the weird one, you fucking freak!" and started coming at me. I looked at him and responded, "Are you kidding?" That was the joke, honey, that someone as ridiculous as myself would have the gall to call anyone else "weird" -- get it? I'm gonna guess he didn't 'cause he went ballistic and started yelling at me and ... cut to slow motion ... he pushed me!

I tried to stand my ground, but this guy was huge and had obviously been mainlining angel dust laced with Raid or something, so I crossed the street and headed towards my car. Then I turned to Travis and said, "I cannot walk away from this!" and dear Travis said, with a very worried look on his face, "Jackie, are you sure?" I nodded enthusiastically and walked back across the street, past the guy who was still trying to attack me and right into Micky's. I walked into the DJ booth, grabbed the cordless microphone and announced, "Hey everyone, it's me Jackie! I was just walking to my car when this guy called me a freak and threatened to kick my ass and I was just wondering if there were 10 or 20 or 30 of you that would like to come with me and prove to this guy that he can't push fags and drag queens around. I'll meet you at the front door!"

Before I knew it, I had about 50 people ready to rumble. We all walked out the door and towards the guy. You should have seen the look on his face as I asked, "STILL GONNA KICK MY ASS, FUCKFACE?" He freaked and ran into Rage, then ran out and tried to punch me in the face, but my homies had my back and grabbed him. Nobody hurt him, but I'm pretty certain a little bit of pee dribbled out of him and that's all I wanted -- for him to know that you can't threaten or harrass gay people or drag queens or freaks or anyone! Especially when you're standing on the corner of Fag and Sodomite for chrissakes!

A bit later, driving home in my car, the adrenaline had stopped pumping and I kinda felt like an idiot. I should have just brushed it off, I thought. I mean, I could have been punched in my gorgeous face! My face is my fortune! But, you know what? Sometimes you just gotta fight.

So that's what happened. A big thank you to everyone who helped me get to my car safely that night. Hey, together we let one asshole know that he can't bully us. Message received LOUD & QUEER!

Photos by Mario Diaz