By Dana Miller

Spring to me screams "road trip." I honestly never have created a solid reason why we creatures of California feel the need to flee anywhere like those dreadful snow birds of Canada who take over Palm Springs and cart-creep down the aisles of Trader Joe's or Jensen's each spring. But there I was last week zipping to Atlanta for biz as a guest of the totally down-to-earth president of CNN, Jim Walton. Jim has been at CNN since the beginning: first as a tape operator, now as president. What a hell of a ride that must have been with Ted Turner in control! CNN Plaza would flip you out if you have never been. It honestly is like the Disneyland of Hotlanta with tours and attractions. It's all centered just across the street from the bomb shelled Olympic Plaza. CNN has food courts serving thousands for every meal then moving them to fake sets where you can pose as a guest of L.A.-based Larry King or NYC-based Anderson Cooper in cardboard cutout. I watched a queue of tourists form to have their image taken with a wax figure of Wolf Blitzer (redundant, I'm aware). There were 100 people in line and an aggregate of 11 teeth. Yet it's important to me that you are...cognizant...that there is a total marvelment taking place in Atlanta. Next I was off to Tampa to see first hand Barry Diller's Home Shopping Network up close. This is commerce to the most intriguing degree. There is a monitor on set where you watch the sales tabulate ... 5,000, 7,000, 10,000 units a minute of vitamins, makeup, clothes, jewelry, irons, and frying pans. There were a bunch of monitors in the green room. On one HSN was airing and on the others inexplicably C-Span. For a second I thought you could buy a congressman. I honestly have never imagined or have seen anything like it. Barry Diller is a ton of things, but ultimately I believe him to be a genius. I have always found him so damned complicated. He can be quick, charming, impatient, and mean and, honestly, the sweetest guy on the planet all in the same 15 minutes. Of all the folks I have known who pledged they knew the future of the Internet, I believe only Diller had a brilliant clue. He now has Lending Tree, TicketMaster, AskJeeves, Match.com, Evite, Gifts.Com, Hotwire, and a ton of others. I think it is pretty safe to say that Barry has liked and hated me over the years. In the present he seems shrewd, authoritative, and, I believe, happy. He's like the last guy standing and one with a smile on his face. Still the ultimate Hollywood insider, Barry now lives in New York City, while keeping his classic, country-like, comfortable estate on Coldwater. That beautiful $10-million-dollar office building facelift designed by Frank Gehry directly across from Tower Video on the Sunset Strip is the new West Coast crib for his InterActive Corp. Okay, so he yells once in awhile; ya gotta admit he has style.

This week I was invited to The Late, Late Show's Craig Ferguson's book launch party at Tropicana at the old (1927) and now hip Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. Craig has written a wonderful novel titled Between the Bridge and River. I have written before that I believe Craig to be the very best monologist on television today, indeed, the best since Jack Parr. It's 12 to 15 minutes, five nights a week on CBS of free-form pondering without cue cards or TelePrompTer. He told me he spends 45 minutes a day preparing, tops! Astonishing! I hadn't been to the Tropicana since it became one of the hottest clubs of the moment. It's at the California landmarked David Hockney-painted pool and word is hotel guests don't have access when the charmed are in attendance. Can you imagine? Lindsay, Paris, Justin, Ashlee, Master P. and Prince apparently hang out there all the time but loathe mingling with the small people from out of town who are paying 400 bucks a night to be across the street from both a hostel and the Chinese Theatre where the dirty Superman and that Spiderman with runs in his hose hang. Please. The Tropicana was just dark. I mean, honestly, I couldn't see a thing. You literally bumped into friends to say hi. We should have been wearing towels. The same guy who lit Tropicana must also have the exclusive at bathhouses -- same lighting. The sight of all of us old folks playing hip for Craig in the dark was laughingly pathetic, but it was so damned much fun. If you read (and hell, you must 'cause here you be), check out his book. Later in the week I fortuitously walked into Pane e Vino on Beverly for lunch and within seconds ran into two old buds who connected my week's dots. Tom Snyder, who used to be a newscaster here on KNBC then went on to do the Tomorrow show and finally The Late, Late Show, the original version of what Craig does now, was dining. Then, I run into Shadoe Stevens who is now Craig's announcer. I interned for Shadoe 100 years ago when he put KROQ on the air in Pasadena. Life is such a curious and accidental journey.

Not everyone spent Easter in Palm Springs. Mark's Restaurant was packed all weekend celebrating the one-year anniversary of Shane Scheel and Chris Isaacson's "Upright -- An L.A. Cabaret." The singers were good and the show is more inventive and dear than ever.

The boys told me of plans to add shows at La Boheme at 8400 Santa Monica while continuing a presence at Mark's. Grand idea!...I love La Boheme. The haunt's charm and elegance will offer Shane and Chris a spectacular stage on which to produce.

I was walking by the Viper Room on Sunset Boulevard Monday morning and there was this kid, crying his eyes out, lying on the sidewalk exactly where River Phoenix died. I stopped to ask him if he was all right. I swear he gazed up to me and uttered, "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Lord, wherever he is, River must be proud.

My old buddy, attorney John Branca, was on the cover of the L.A. Times last week, but don't fret, it was a good thing. For years John put up with the nonsense of his client Michael Jackson. John was the only sane one around Jacko for the longest time. John once took me to Michael's home in Encino for a meeting; the entire time the star wore elf ears. Simple, stylishly green elf ears. And like a fool, I said nothing -- perfectly normal, I assumed. Anyway, last week the cash-strapped star sold off a ton of his publishing. Back in 1985 Branca structured Michael's purchase of the Beatles music catalog. Thankfully, John retained 2.5 percent of the deal and early this month pocketed something like 20 million bucks. I love it! I'm happy to know John Branca was able to collect something more than an hourly fee for putting up with complete and total insanity for years. See, good things do happen to good people.

My, oh my. Christopher Street West has announced their gay pride talent line-up for this year here in the entertainment capitol of the entire world; The Bangles, Taylor Dayne, and Berlin, all nice people to be sure. I've got my flat bed truck, lube banners, Daisy Dukes,...and 70 colored boas on hold. Once again, it's gonna be a party. Ugh.

See You Out & About

Contact me at Malibudana@aol.com