Dear Little Miss Know-It-All,

I recently celebrated a milestone birthday, the exact number of which I would rather not reveal. Needless to say, I have noticed some physical changes resulting from my advancing age that I am more than just a little upset about. I have a plastic surgeon on speed-dial and get regular injections of Botox, Restalyn and even the precious blood of Swedish virgins (I get it at a significant discount after Oprah has bathed in it), so my face is a blurry, motionless, mask-like visage somewhat resembling country singer Kenny Rogers' new face. In other words, I look great! My question to you is this: Do you know of any procedure or product -- tested or untested -- that could possibly rejuvinate and refresh my repulsive rear-end? I do not care one bit how risky and/or dangerous it is. Help!

Signed,
Broken Bunz in Burbank

Dear Bunz,

Funny you should ask! I recently saw an ad in Vain Old Bitch magazine for an exciting new product that promises to return your delapidated derrierre back into your formerly taut ‘n' toned “mountain of youth.” Here is the actual ad, minus the disturbing photos:

BE HONEST. DOES YOUR ASS GIVE AWAY YOUR AGE?

Have you somehow managed to keep your face looking relatively young, but below the waist and from behind you look older-than-dirt? What's the point of wearing hip ‘n' trendy fashions, sleeping with people 20 years your junior and listening to music by artists young enough to be your grandchildren if you're going to pack a sagging, wrinkled senior citizen's butt into those skintight, low-rise jeans?

IT'S TIME FOR BUTTOX.

Buttox is a powerful poison that's injected right into your caboose to make it look five, 10, even 15 years younger! Imagine once again having a firm, wrinkle-free bottom. Still not convinced? Just listen to what these satisfied Buttox users have to say:

“I was going on a vacation to Europe and didn't want to avoid all the fabulous bottomless beaches. Thanks to Buttox, I didn't have to!”
-- Beverly Anderson-Wilkes, New York, NY

“I can now fit into my old army uniform thanks to Buttox! Oh, and my keester is so tight you can bounce a quarter off it! Buttox, I salute you!”
-- Retired Gen. Ralph Garfield, Sun Valley, ID

“As a stripper, my ass is my fortune and Buttox has made it possible for me to once again make a very good living by exposing my behind. Come Monday, I'm quitting my boring job at the bookmobile and going back to Cheetah's to shake my 78-year-old ass?”
-- Gwendolyn Fischer, Los Angeles, CA

“I'm a big fag and in my world, ass is just about everything! Before Buttox, if I wanted some hot man-on-man action I had to hire one of those cross-eyed, crack-addicted bisexual street hustlers wearing hideously outdated ‘80s fashions. Now, thanks to your miracle product, this horny 36-year-old troll can trick with just about anyone, if the bar is dimly lit and my prey is real drunk. Thanks Buttox?”
-- Bruce LaSalle, Key West FL

It worked for them and it can work for you! Don't wait to hit rock bottom -- literally. Ask your doctor about Buttox today.

IT'S BOTOX FOR YOUR BOOTIE.

WARNING: Buttox (formerly known as Ass-Thrax) may cause the following side effects: Headache, stomach ulcers, numbness, swelling, shooting pains, dull aches, paralysis, constipation, anal leakage, explosive diarrhea, black oily stool, flatulence that smells like dead rotting flesh, excessive sweating under the arms and between the legs, impotence, low sex drive, decreased sperm count, facial spasms, Tourette's Syndrome, the growth of thick coarse ape-like hair in the ears and nose, hallucinations, heart palpitations and a genuine interest in Scientology.

Wednesday May 17

The Official Dirty Sanchez Album Release Party

Live performances by Dirty Sanchez, Avenue D, Jer Ber Jones (aka Robbie D.) with DJs Henry Self and Barbeau of Dirty Sanchez

Key Club 9039 Sunset Blvd., W. Hlywd. (310) 274-5800 www.keyclub.com

photos by Mario Diaz