"I'm hosting a benefit which I do every year for the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund at Caroline’s Comedy Club on Broadway. Mario Cantone is gonna be there. Judy Gold, Susie Essman, Colin Quinn, and, umm ... and other surprise guests. I won't mention the guest because ... well, you'll enjoy it. It's too hot to handle!"

-- The View co-host Joy Behar wildly rolls her eyes as she promotes her upcoming show, but pointedly avoids mentioning that Rosie O'Donnell is the big headliner. Why? She clearly indicates the gal to her right as the reason for her reticence (you can see the footage on www.BillyMasters.com).

I'm pissed off. I sat home watching David Blaine: Drowned Alive! ... and he lived! What the hell kinda special is that? Frankly, if rescuers hadn't dragged him outta that sphere, he would have broken the record and drowned -- a win/win. Doctors say there might be some brain damage -- did anyone check for that before the stunt? Have you heard him talk? On the positive side, Blaine says he'll try the stunt again without rescuers standing by so there's still hope I'll get my wish.

Speaking of drowning, I just came home from the premiere of Poseidon, and let me break it down for you. It's got about three pages of dialogue, then the wave hits. Some people get out, some don't. And it's all over in about 90 minutes -- what's not to like? I particularly liked that Pamela Sue Martin and Red Buttons (stars of the original film) were at the premiere. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but where were Stella Stevens and Ernest Borgnine? Hell, I'd have settled for Andrew Stevens and Tova Borgnine! At the fabu after-party, I chatted at some length with Pamela Sue, who seems to be enjoying a renaissance between this remake and the recent Dynasty reunion (she showed me photos of her adorable son). Not only does she look amazing, but she's got several projects in the works.

Now Billy gets to make one of those apologies he so hates. In a recent item about candidates for Meredith Vieira's job on The View, I stated that every out-of-work newswoman had contacted Barbara Walters for the job -- which is true. However, the very next sentence listed some women as frontrunners. I never meant to imply that any of those ladies had called Babs or were out of work. I mean, Connie Chung was on the list, and she's got a show on MSNBC -- so at least a dozen people out there are watching her! One of the gals I listed was Linda Ellerbee, who took a bit of good-natured umbrage at the implication -- so let's set the record straight. Miss Ellerbee did not contact Barbara Walters. She was not contacted by The View, although, in my opinion, the show would be damn lucky to get her. Most importantly, she's not unemployed. Her company, Lucky Duck Productions, has produced Nick News for the past 15 years, along with a number of other specials including the Out 100 special for Logo. So we apologize to Linda and send her a free subscription to everyone's favorite Web site, www.BillyMasters.com -- where we'll also run her letter.

Wasn't that easy? Admit the mistake and move on. Fences are being mended all over the celebrity world. Why, this very week, Tom Cruise announced that he sent a basket of baby toys to Brooke Shields. This was news to Brooke: "It's awfully kind of him, but I haven't seen his basket." I'm not touching that one ... and neither should she!

Things are certainly shaking up in Sin City. Although everyone surrounding the production is putting on a brave face, I'm told that Hairspray at Luxor is in big trouble and could close as soon as this fall. Attendance is well below projections, and the producers reneged on an informal agreement to bring Bruce Vilanch and Marissa Jaret Winokur into the show (Marissa is contemplating legal action). Stay tuned.

I can finally reveal that your own humble scribe has joined forces with La Vilanch and Chi Chi LaRue for a very special project. All Worlds Video (now owned by Miss LaRue) has concocted a spoof of Dancing with the Stars called Fucking with the Stars, which will pit four gay porn actors, each of whom is an exclusive to a different company, against each other in a no-holds-barred competition. The delicious directrix CoCo LaChine envisioned an all-star judging panel and somehow got Brucie, Chi Chi, and me in the same room. People have told me this is "historic" -- all I can say is it's definitely hysterical. Who knows how much of what we filmed will end up in the final cut, but if any porno deserved a blooper reel, this is the one!

In our mailbag, I just received Olympic gold medalist Mark Tewksbury's book, Inside Out: Straight Talk from a Gay Jock. I haven't read it yet, but it seems like something I'd get through in one afternoon on the P-town beach this summer. I'll give you a review when I'm done, but in the interim, some hot Speedo shots of the "gay jock" can be found on our Web site.

We have another Mark to talk about -- Mark Simpson. He's the British writer who's credited with coining the term "meterosexual." In the current issue of Details (a magazine that seems to be getting gayer as the months go on), Mark does a probing exposé of the 82nd Airborne gay porn scandal. Seems Mark had already done some research -- he'd previously "observed" the filming of two scenes with said Airborne boys and was so taken with the level of their "performance," he joined in and did a significant amount of probing on-camera! At the time, Dink Flamingo referred to him as "a journalist who must remain anonymous." Well, anonymity means nothing to me -- and I'm willing to run stills and video footage showing Simpson at his journalistic best. What's next? Footage of Anderson Cooper roaming the streets of New Orleans winched into his mother's jeans??

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Tony in the Big Apple: "I think Jonathan on Unan1mous is so hot. My friend insists he's done gay porn, but I can't find anything about him. I figured if anyone would know, it's you."

Ah, yes -- like Mark Simpson, I've been known to do a bit of probing in the porn world. It appears that Jonathan did a porn photo session under the name "Tino." From the photos I've found of Jonathan pleasuring himself in the back of his SUV (yes, we'll run 'em on our Web site), "Tino" sure ain't "tiny".

Could it be that a pair of soapy brothers got into a playful game of ass-grab at the Emmys? I should say long-lost brothers, since they never actually worked together (they were on five years apart -- although they're barely three years apart in real life). The black sheep is known as a ladies' man, although all of his high-profile paramours bail. The other is more of a nester, even if he has bounced around quite a bit professionally. Folks whisper that these two enjoyed their time together -- and even had some company.

When I'm guiding you through the pitfalls of daytime drama, it's time to end yet another column. I hope I haven't jeopardized my SAG membership doing this porno film. Eh, long as it doesn't end up on the IMDB, I'll be OK. After much cajoling by the staff here at Billy Masters Media, I now have a profile on MySpace.com. I'll link to it from my own Web site of www.BillyMasters.com -- but don't bother any of the many hot shirtless male friends I have. They're just regular folks -- well, as regular as moi. If you have any probing questions, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Brooke gets her hands on Tom's basket. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible. And so it goes...