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What’s that sucking sound?

It’s the sound of me getting pulled into the vortex-like black hole/Bermuda Triangle that is the faux drama of Le Internet! Yep, you’d think that someone with my intelligence would be able to “be the bigger person” and “turn the other cheek,” but it’s so difficult when nameless, faceless spineless jerks hiding behind unclever screen-names attack me.

My blog, this column, my beauty ... turns out it’s just all too much for many (no doubt misshapen, in-bred, ignorant) people out there in cyberspace. Although, I must admit, the majority of folks are supportive and have nothing but nice things to say about me, the rude ones always seem to stick in my craw. And then I go off like only a bitter, lonely middle-aged drag queen can. Case in point? When Perez Hilton (www.perezhilton.com) asked the question “Who Would You Rather Do?” accompanied by a photo of me looking gorgeous and a less-than-flattering shot of reality “star” and D-list “celeb” Brooke Hogan. Seriously, she looked really bad -- caked-on makeup, manly jawline, etc. And Perez Hilton did this not just once, but twice. Anyhoo, like I said, most readers left really great comments such as “Jackie Rules!” and “Jackie’s the best!” but a few said things like they wish people like me would die, and my personal favorite: “I guess I’m too well-adjusted and mainstream to take these freak show people seriously.” Excuse me? Honey, if you have to type the words “well-adjusted” and “mainstream” to describe yourself, then you are not only neither of these things, but in fact the very rare combination of FULL-ON CRAZY and FUCKING BORING!

Then when Perez ran a blurb on my band’s new CD (in stores now!) one person in particular wrote, “What’s with that album cover? Jackie Beat is fat as shit now ... I know, I saw her at Micky's just the other day. BARF.” Uh honey, may I suggest you look at the cover of O magazine featuring a digitally slimmed-down and airbrushed Oprah and then get a good look at the real Ms. Winfrey on her talk show. It’s called an eating disorder, asshole, and both Opie and I have been very upfront and honest regarding our struggles. Yeah, I call her Opie. We’re very close. Look, I’m sure that you look great on the cover of your CD and that -- what? You don’t have a CD? You’re not even in a band? You work at a used record store and live in your mom’s basement? Oh, sorry. Nevermind.

The whole thing is very depressing. Unknown people thinking that anyone gives a rat’s ass about what they think. And I stepped right into their traps. Yes, I made the mistake of commenting on the comments. I stooped so low as to dignify their lame attempts at biting humor with my glowing examples of the real thing. Sorry, but I’m a fighter.

My point is this: I would much rather be a creative person who takes risks and has fun and makes people smile and laugh and enjoy themselves and think and question things (and therefore make themselves vulnerable to the occasional attack) than some close-minded dumb fuck surfing the net for people to tear down. Get a life, loser! If you had one then maybe you wouldn’t have so much free time to comment on mine.

And now I’ve got to go, because I have to prepare for my trip to NYC where I am doing three sold-out nights at The Cutting Room. I also have to make a few phone calls regarding the new documentary all about me called My Name Is Jackie Beat that can be seen in film festivals all over the world. Then I have a meeting with the members of my rock band Dirty Sanchez (our new CD is in stores now!) and I have to swing by the Hollywood Museum at the Max Factor Building and drop off a costume that will be featured in the huge Gay Icon exhibit running June 8 through July 30.

Yes, life is good! I just have to remember that my job is to do things, not merely comment on them and/or defend them. Hey, it ain’t my fault there are dumb people out there who don’t like me. I mean, if everyone likes you then you’re someone like ... oh, I don’t know ... Jennifer Aniston! Uh, no thank you! So to all you "freaks" out there, I just want to say this: Keep doing what you're doing and don't listen to those bitter people who either never had a dream to begin with or gave up on them to live safe, boring, "normal" lives.