I work really hard, people. I haven't had a night off in weeks. Every day it's the same routine: shave face, neck, and chest; smear flesh-colored butter into and onto face, neck and chest; climb into costume; plop wig on head; make people laugh really hard; go home and count money. So when I realized I had a precious Friday off last week, I wanted to do something really fun —like go to the happiest place on Earth. But when I went to their Web site, I became the unhappiest queen on Earth. Why? Because there it was, screaming on my laptop:

“Pirates of the Caribbean is currently closed, but Captain Jack Sparrow joins the crew when it re-opens on June 26, 2006!”

Fuck you, Disneyland.

My friends and I, who were planning this trip to the Magic Kingdom, had a goal to eat lunch in that kitschy restaurant actually located within The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. You know the one, where boatload after boatload of miserable, hungry tourists pass by, jealously thinking, “Damn, I wish I was sitting there in that cool restaurant eating! Oh my God, is that Jackie Beat?” Okay, maybe not that last part. We figured, we’re adults now, we work hard, we have some money, let’s really do it up right and enjoy an overpriced lunch or dinner at that dimly lit eatery with the fake fireflies.

Well, guess what? It’s fucking closed. Yeah, along with the ride. Why? So The Pirates of the Caribbean can be updated and made more like the Johnny Depp movie in an attempt to entertain today’s idiot audience. Here is the official blurb from Disneyland.com:

“Traverse treacherous waters deep into the heart of the Caribbean. The classic attraction that inspired the blockbuster film takes you on a boisterous boat ride through a seaport set ablaze by the familiar Audio-Animatronics® pillaging pirates, now under the command of the infamous Barbossa—hot on the trail of his nemesis, Captain Jack, and the temptation of buried treasures.

Discover the following attraction enhancements inspired by the films:

Captain Jack Sparrow and Barbossa Audio-Animatronics® figures

Exciting new special effects

Classic Disney storytelling that adds a new layer of adventure to this timeless attraction

If it’s timeless, leave it the fuck alone.

What’s next? Perhaps the stinky frogs who run the Louvre will have some artist add a mulleted Tom Hanks, clue-filled notepad in hand, to the background of the Mona Lisa? “Oui! Let us cash in on zee poopularity of zee DaVeenchi Cod!” I mean, that boring old bitch with the annoyingly cryptic smile needs something to keep people’s attention, right? It’s not like she can haul her tired ass up onto a mirrored cross and crucify herself like Madonna.

Dear, dear Madonna, who finally figured out that we do not want her to have a fake British accent, write children’s books, and talk about Kabbullshit. We want that trampy slut we all fell in love with back in the ‘80s! And she’s givin’ it to us. Even I, a confirmed card-carrying Madonna-hater, must admit that she looks great with her Farrah wings and lavender Danskin-encased cameltoe, crawling on the floor looking for a phantom lost contact lens and/or Puerto Rican cock to suck. She looks downright young. But, Madonna, the hands give you away. Yes, those gnarled, veiny, age-spotted claws that look like the creepy grasping trees in Snow White. Which brings us back to Disney

Fuck you, you should be ashamed. The Pirates of the Caribbean was my mother’s very favorite ride. Now she’s spinning in her grave. Well, actually, she was cremated, so perhaps a tiny dust devil is whipping her remains in circles like a disgusted little tornado. And Walt’s frozen head is no doubt a bodiless whirling dervish at this very moment. I can almost hear Dead or Alive’s eye-patched and pirate-like Pete Burns warbling, “You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round.”

Why not add ol’ Pete to the fucking ride? And Fabio, who is known to sport a blousy pirate shirt on occasion? And Captain Morgan, the dude on the rum bottles? I’m sure that the booze company would gladly pay millions to have what is essentially a 3-D commercial in your amusement park ride. While you have that calligraphy pen out, send an invite to Mr. Clean—after all, he’s bald and wears an earring. Yo ho ho! And how scary would it be if the boat turns a corner and all of a sudden unsuspecting riders were greeted by flamboyant diet guru Richard Simmons —in all his Jewfro, sequined tank top, barely-there Dolphin shorts splendor? Yep, a “butt pirate.”

Let’s face it, what with the addition of the hatefully hetero and brutally boring California Adventure, the removal of classic rides like Country Bear Jamboree and Adventures Through Inner Space and now this Extreme Makeover: Pirates Edition, the only thing magic about the Magic Kingdom is how they make your money disappear.

Illustration by www.glenhanson.com