"Dude, I'm totally into girls, but you're at the top of my Hump Island when it comes to guys!"

—Ryan Seacrest's "compliment" totally bewilders Vince Vaughn. Obviously, I'm not straight, so perhaps the subtleties of the lingo are lost on me. But Seacrest sounds like a flaming queen!

I just spent my first weekend back east in Ptown frolicking with tourists and townies alike. Along the way, I learned that Boston's own Archbishop O'Malley has a very intimate relationship with our little queer compound. I'm told by reliable sources that the Most Rev. Sean Patrick O'Malley (who replaced the less revered Cardinal Law) is quite taken with the $190 sandals handmade for him by a Provincetown leather craftsman. While no one has reported any sightings (it's not cardinal season for another month or so), we do know that our man of the cloth has gone through several pairs, each requiring a separate fitting—as all quality leather goods do.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck must feel as if she's back on Survivor—especially when Barbara Walters started the Wednesday, June 28 episode of The View by saying, "And then there were three." Last week, I went into great detail about the entire Star Jones situation—complete with some unknown tidbits and a chronological summary of events. Biweekly readers can find that column on www.BillyMasters.com.

In the midst of that investigation, I uncovered yet another scandal a-brewin' at ABC. This one revolves around the new primetime news anchor, Charlie Gibson, whose ascent was not without battle. Upon the death of Peter Jennings, ABC News honcho David Westin had a decision to make— should he go with the tried-and-true Gibson (who filled in regularly for Jennings) or be forward thinking and go with Elizabeth Vargas and Bob Woodruff? The idea of the pair was intriguing—both were field reporters who promised to take the news out of the studio. Still, Gibson was a sure thing, and Charlie campaigned heavily for the job. Westin wanted a compromise—Gibson and Vargas. Gibson balked. Then Charlie was offered the job solo—if he'd turn over the reins to Vargas and Woodruff after the next presidential election. No deal. Vargas and Woodruff went in. Six months later, Woodruff was wounded in Iraq, and Vargas was pregnant. And Charlie got the whole kit and caboodle.

But that's not where it ends. Vargas is a feisty little minx, and she wants her job back. She'd already played nice with ABC. She took over 20/20 from Barbara Walters, but dutifully disappeared when Babs would return for special interviews. ABC then asked her to step down as anchor in favor of Gibson. Vargas tells USA Today that she plans to "do everything in my power" to return as anchor of a nightly news program. She's allowed herself to be pushed aside twice—at the network's request—but three times, and she's out. As for Woodruff, rumor has it that he's in talks to replace ... you guessed it, Charlie Gibson on Good Morning America! Meanwhile, poor Diane Sawyer is sitting there wondering how long until someone is interested in her—professionally or personally. But that's another story.

I hear that Miss Ross is enjoying some R&R in Sardinia (where she'll sing at a wedding, if you can believe that). Diane is staying at the Cala di Volte and spends most of her time lounging by the pool because, let's face it, she's got to work on her tan. On her first day there, she plopped down on the lounge chair—her loose white clothes and loose weave blowing in the wind. Strangely, Diane kept fiddling with her sunglasses every few minutes. When she momentarily removed them, an onlooker snapped a photo with his cell phone revealing that underneath the glasses, Ross had slices of kiwi fruit over her eyes. A beauty regime? Or just something to slip in her drink later?

Last week, Jerry Falwell told a church audience in Lynchburg, Va. that "You almost got to be a homosexual to be recognized in the entertainment industry anymore." I think he's onto something—at least, I hope so. Which leads into our next story, about those happy little Hobbits, Dominic Monaghan and Elijah Wood. A few months ago, Wood was at a convention attended by people who normally don't go out during daylight. He thought it would be fun to call his good friend Dominic over the PA system during his speech. After Eli identified himself, Monaghan greeted him by saying, "What are you doing, gay boy?" Oh, those little scallywags! I won't tell you how they tried to get out of this, but you can see it for yourself. One of the attendees videotaped the entire speech, and the clip is on BillyMasters.com.

Our "Ask Billy" question of the week comes from Ryan in Houston, who writes: "I just saw Superman and loved it. Forget about that little queen of steel—who's the guy playing one of Lex Luthor's goons? His name is Ian Roberts. Is he gay? Has he posed nude? Is he single?"

Ian Roberts is quite famous in his native Australia, where he was a rugby star. He's even more famous for coming out as gay at the height of his popularity and not suffering any backlash. He did some very suggestive modeling and showed off his rockin' body (we'll run the photos on our Web site), and lately, he's had the opportunity to flex his thespianistic muscles. In 2003, he graduated from Australia's National Institute of Dramatic Art, and last year, he made quite an impression on the Aussie version of Dancing with the Stars. His role in Superman Returns gave him the impetus to plan a move to L.A. Maybe he should have gotten out of Australia while he had the chance. On July 1, Ian's longtime boyfriend, Ben Prideaux (who is 10 years his junior), filed assault charges against him. Ian pleaded not guilty and, pending the hearing on Aug. 16, has been ordered "not to intimidate, stalk, threaten or molest Mr. Prideaux." So, Ryan, this might be your chance. Get your ass on a flight to Sydney ... pronto. But bring some mace—just in case!

Could it be that Katherine McPhee is smarter than we think?  Well, that wouldn't be hard. I'm told that the American Idol runner-up has missed the first concerts of the AI Tour due to severe bronchitis and laryngitis. Her doctors have prescribed total voice rest. Kat says, "I need to follow my doctor's orders to recuperate and reunite with the rest of the Idols. That's the most difficult part ... not talking!" And yet, that's exactly what she'll be doing on The View. Yes, Katherine has thrown her hat in the ring as a potential replacement for Star Jones. McPhee will join the gabfest on July 19 for what is informally being considered as a tryout. But don't count your chickens, Kat— vixen Shannen Doherty also wants the gig and will sit in for two days later in the month.

When cardinals are into leather and Hobbits are gay, it's definitely time to end yet another column. For those of you on the East Coast, you may see me in D.C. for the closing night of the big gay dance mecca Nation on July 15 (it may be my last chance to find Chip). After that, I'll be in Ft. Lauderdale for some R&R—and to find a lawyer (long story). If you're a lawyer, or if you've just got a question or comment, drop me an e-mail at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my tryout for The View! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.