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By Steve Siler
Okay, with the high
cost of housing, cars and clothes, few of us can afford
big toys like motorboats and water skis. However, I know
you moneyed men are out there, waiting patiently for
your gay car guide (did I mention I'm single?) to steer
you to the trailer-toter of your dreams. And since most
boys with toys make lots of noise, I included only the
biggest, baddest, blingiest trucks I could find. Happy
motor[boat]ing!
2006 Lincoln Mark LT
Given the onslaught of luxury brand products thrust in
front of us during the last two decades, it's been easy
to lose sight of the rivalry—make that archrivalry—between
Cadillac and Lincoln that dates back to the 1930s. But
alas, the enmity still billows like cumulonimbus, the
competition now spreading into the pickupsphere with
the Escalade EXT-fighting Mark LT.
Scratch the shiny surface of the big Lincoln and you'll
find the Ford F150 SuperCrew—easily seen in its identical
headlights and cab shape-underneath. However, other than
that, the exterior is pretty much unique to the Lincoln.
And what an exterior it is. For starters, what looks like
two-tone paint in pictures is actually one-tone, plus about
100 gallons of chrome coating the lower body. And there's
plenty more where that came from, on the wheels, down the
bed, on the mirror housings and of course, the waterfall
grille that rivals Niagara in width and height.
Inside, the two-tone treatment continues, but this time,
it's actually buttery tone-on-tone leather. The soft stuff
is accentuated by faux wood, contrasting stitching and,
of course, more chrome. You and four of your crew members
can simultaneously enjoy the comfortable seats, as well
as the fabulous stereo.
The engine is the same smooth, robust V8 found under the
hoods of so many other Ford trucks, including the Lincoln
Navigator (remember that?), which is powerful enough to
get pretty much any job done, even if it's not as torquey
as the Escalade's meathead motor. The suspension and structure
work together to deliver a surprisingly smooth (for a truck)
ride and outstanding towing capacity. The 5-foot, 5-inch
bed may not be extendable into the cab, a la the Caddy,
but a bed extender comes standard to help you fit most
of the longer items you may need on a long journey.
So if you're a Ford guy, this is your ride. It's also the
most affordable. And a cheaper truck means a bigger boat!
Competition is a beautiful, shiny thing indeed.
Price: $38,680
Engine: 300-hp V8
Fuel Economy, city/hwy: est. 15/19
2007 Cadillac Escalade
EXT
By now, you've surely seen the bedazzled, behemoth 2007
Cadillac Escalade. As with last year, the savior of the
wreath-and-crest brand is offered in regular, extended-wheelbase
ESV and pickup-like EXT variants. The best tender to
your boat, however, is the brazen, buttressed, bustle-back
EXT truck-utility. The 2007 Escalade EXT shares most
of the sport-ute's attributes, but swaps the Escalade's
seldom-used third-row seat for a weather-tight, compartmentalized
pickup bed.
Its standard configuration seats five passengers and holds
cargo in the back. When more cargo space is needed for
bulky supplies or a couple week's worth of fresh food,
however, the rear seat can be folded down and the back
window removed, effectively extending the bed to fit a
4X8 sheet of plywood, should you be a do-it-yourselfer.
More to my liking, personally, are the smaller compartments
on the sides of the bed that can be loaded with ice to
keep your freshly caught fish—or freshly bought beer—cold.
No matter what you stick back there, anchor it down tightly,
as the engine bay is stuffed with a 403-hp V-8, which together
with the new structure and well-controlled suspension,
bestow it with some surprisingly swift moves. The passenger
area is spacious and stylish, managing to incorporate heaps
of comfort features without appearing gauche. The leather
is soft and the aluminum is real (too bad the wood isn't…).
And until you goose the throttle, it's super-quiet on the
road, which helps the standard Bose 5.1 surround sound
system present your favorite concert to you in clear crisp
purity.
And of course, there's that styling, which we speculate
to be the number one reason the Escalade EXT will be bought
by the “trendistocracy.” Still as gaudy as
the Queen's tiara but infinitely sleeker and more aerodynamic,
the all-new 2007 Escalade finally has reached maturity.
Wheels are 18 inches in diameter, but we recommend the
huge 22-inch chrome pies, of course. And naturally, there's
chrome everywhere else, including a swath on the tailgate
that probably can be seen from space.
Whether or not it can be seen from the lake, however, will
be up to you.
Price: $54,530
Engine: 403-hp V8
Fuel Economy, city/hwy: est 13/19
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